Used car salesmen and lawyers get all the ink but I've yet to come across a shadier group of people than plastic surgeons. We all know that most doctors have huge egos and a certain God Complex. In many cases it is warranted but when it comes to cosmetic surgery, well, I can't think of a group of people more disgusting and unworthy of a God Complex. Thankfully, it appears that America's desire for face lifts and bigger breasts has peaked and is on the way back down.
It's been nearly four years since I had my Facial Feminization Surgery (FFS) from Dr. Mark Zukowski in Chicago. I had the works done and to this day I'm still paying for it. My face is in a constant state of pain with touches of numbness all around. Nothing about it feels natural and as long as I live, I'll regret this decision more than any other in my life. Still, all these years later, I'm filled with regret, anger and disappointment.
It was clear from the first few days that things hadn't gone as expected. My recovery was a bitch and I've had one problem after another, each more infuriating than the one before. Cosmetically, the results were very disappointing but as I said, it's the physical effects that have bothered me the most. I've tried to get used to this new sensation of constant pain but it isn't easy. It's with my nearly every day and is worse in really cold or really hot weather.
Dr. Z got the best of me, he sold his goods like any shady character can do. Sure, he's had some great results, but if you are considering having FFS done, please take my advice and avoid him like the plague. It really isn't worth it and I'm living proof of what can happen.
Two Billion
This is huge news, so big that I'm surprised it hasn't gotten more play. A new astronomical study reveals that there are around 2 BILLION Earth like planets in the Milky Way Galaxy alone. Multiply that by the 50 billion or so other galaxies in THIS universe and you get a whole lot of possible life. That some of it would be intelligent and capable of communicating is almost a certainty. Of course, this still doesn't solve the Fermi Paradox. If there is life out there, where is everybody?
I myself have three possible theories...
1. The distances between star systems is simply too great to communicate.
2. Someone has been trying to contact us and we just don't know where to look or how to listen.
3. Others are aware of us but because we are such a primitive species, we aren't worth contacting.
A fourth possible theory doesn't hold water, at least as far as I'm concerned, and that is the possibility that we are indeed alone. It's too big a universe for that to be the case and so I don't give that theory any credence. If I had to guess, other life supporting worlds are just too far away to make contact. It's all very possible that we've turned our telescopes to the right star systems only to do so at the wrong time when no one was calling.
Regardless, my biggest hope in life is to live long enough to witness First Contact with another civilization. I'm hopeful but realistic and that's what is so frustrating. We aren't special, of that I'm sure, but the question still lingers, "where the hell is everybody?"
I myself have three possible theories...
1. The distances between star systems is simply too great to communicate.
2. Someone has been trying to contact us and we just don't know where to look or how to listen.
3. Others are aware of us but because we are such a primitive species, we aren't worth contacting.
A fourth possible theory doesn't hold water, at least as far as I'm concerned, and that is the possibility that we are indeed alone. It's too big a universe for that to be the case and so I don't give that theory any credence. If I had to guess, other life supporting worlds are just too far away to make contact. It's all very possible that we've turned our telescopes to the right star systems only to do so at the wrong time when no one was calling.
Regardless, my biggest hope in life is to live long enough to witness First Contact with another civilization. I'm hopeful but realistic and that's what is so frustrating. We aren't special, of that I'm sure, but the question still lingers, "where the hell is everybody?"
This Empty Hole
It will be four weeks Thursday, four weeks since my world was turned upside down by the loss of my beloved River. Some people say that "it's just a dog" and that I need to get over it. While it is true that River was a dog, it is far from true that she was "just" a dog. River, like my Sammy and Shadow, are very much my family. River lived with me for eight years, most certainly the best eight years of her nearly 11 years of life. I honestly don't know what her life was like before me but I do know bits and pieces and when I put it all together, well, it wasn't the best life.
Dogs don't get to pick their lives, they don't have much free will and for the most part, they are totally dependent on the people who own them. It isn't really fair but seeing as how we are at the top of the food chain, it's the way things have turned out. Dogs were first domesticated tens of thousands of years ago and ever since they left their wild ways, they've walked side by side with us, always loyal and always devoted.
They give everything they have to make our lives better. They do not care how rich or poor we are, how beautiful we are or are not and they certainly don't care if we are old or young. They care only that that they might please, that they might serve and that they might be the best possible friend a person could have. We owe it to them to live up to that kind of devotion and loyalty, to repay them the only way we can, with love and protection. So, a little over 8 years ago, I made the trip east to Oldham County and adopted my second Border Collie.
Her first week with me was rather traumatic as she would not eat, kept getting sick and generally tried to bite everything that moved. It was clear from the beginning that she had never been socialized, never allowed to trust and enjoy the presence of other dogs and especially people. It would take several months to earn her trust and after a few visits to the dog trainer, things began to turn around.
She soon began to come out of her shell and slowly this amazing creature began to emerge. Once she became assured that I would not only love her dearly but never give her up, she became without a doubt the most alive dog I have ever met. Each day was an adventure, another opportunity to live life to the fullest and embrace everything that came her way. Along the way, she taught me what it was like to live, something that I had kind of forgotten how to do.
River quickly became the Alpha Dog, letting Sammy know that she was boss. Now this wasn't really that difficult, Sammy couldn't fight his way out of a wet paper bag, but it became a role that she would never relinquish, not even in her last days. Several years later, Shadow came to live with us and another transition began. Shadow was totally different from Sammy and River. Very laid back and an emotional wreck, Shadow had spent a full year living at the shelter. Again, a transition would have to take place to make this dog feel a part of the family.
That was five years ago and in retrospect, it didn't take Shadow long to become one with us. He is a gentle soul, perhaps the friendliest dog I've ever had the pleasure to know. He is clumsy, not very intelligent (especially compared to the brilliant Border Collies) and a bit of a goof ball. In short, he is perfect. River welcomed him into her brood and over the years, the two of them developed a very special relationship.
For five years, the three dogs became one of the most important parts of my life. They slept in my bed, welcomed me home each time like I had been gone for months and did nothing but bring joy to my life. The four of us were pretty much attached at the hip and it seemed like it would last forever. This past Christmas, my Mother and I decided to take the dogs to have their pictures taken with Santa. Dharma, my Mom's dog, is older than mine and has had several very serious health problems. Both of us were afraid this might be Dharma's last Christmas and we wanted something to remember it with.
Two weeks after Christmas, I began to notice that River was having trouble going to the bathroom. It didn't seem like that big of a deal but gradually it got worse. River had never been sick a day in her life and I figured that the worst it could be was a simple urinary tract infection. I took her to the vet, certain that some anti-biotics wold do the trick and she would be back to normal in just a few days. An hour later, I had been kicked in the gut and sent reeling with the diagnosis of cancer.
I had not noticed that her lymph nodes had become very swollen but it wouldn't have mattered. The lymphoma was extremely aggressive and had most likely only been detectable for a few weeks. It had spread throughout her body and was attacking her bones and most organs. The prognosis wasn't good but the doctors thought that with major steroids and other medicines, we might get a few good months out of her. Five days later I awoke to what I feared most. After several good days, things had taken a turn for the worse. She was barely able to walk and her breathing was very labored. I called in sick to work and rushed her to the doctor, hoping against hope that something could be done.
She died in my arms that morning as I held her tight. As she took her last breath, I whispered into her ear that I loved her dearly and would always keep her memory alive. I have yet to forgive myself for letting this happen, this signing of the paperwork which gave the vet permission to put her to sleep. I keep seeing her face, the look of fear and uncertainty in her eyes. It was almost as if she were asking me "why are you doing this to me?" I know this wasn't what she was thinking but I can't help but feel that way.
I hope that she knew that what I was doing was out of love, out of a desire not to see her suffer. The cancer had eaten away at her body and now she could barely walk but I just couldn't help but feel that I was betraying my friend. I miss her so much and as the weeks slowly pass by, I do sometimes feel better. I have my good days but they are still few and far between. For the most part, I am still very much in pain, filled with this grief that will not go away.
So no, she wasn't just a dog, she was so much more. Like Sammy and Shadow and all of my pets that have come before, River is very much a part of my family. River was my friend, my companion and my baby. I miss her so much and even with all I have written her tonight, words cannot begin to express how much her loss has left a gaping hole inside my heart and soul. My life seems a bit less meaningful now that she is gone and when Sammy and Shadow leave this world, I will feel very much the same. It would appear that I am both the perfect dog owner and the worst dog owner.
Dogs don't get to pick their lives, they don't have much free will and for the most part, they are totally dependent on the people who own them. It isn't really fair but seeing as how we are at the top of the food chain, it's the way things have turned out. Dogs were first domesticated tens of thousands of years ago and ever since they left their wild ways, they've walked side by side with us, always loyal and always devoted.
They give everything they have to make our lives better. They do not care how rich or poor we are, how beautiful we are or are not and they certainly don't care if we are old or young. They care only that that they might please, that they might serve and that they might be the best possible friend a person could have. We owe it to them to live up to that kind of devotion and loyalty, to repay them the only way we can, with love and protection. So, a little over 8 years ago, I made the trip east to Oldham County and adopted my second Border Collie.
Her first week with me was rather traumatic as she would not eat, kept getting sick and generally tried to bite everything that moved. It was clear from the beginning that she had never been socialized, never allowed to trust and enjoy the presence of other dogs and especially people. It would take several months to earn her trust and after a few visits to the dog trainer, things began to turn around.
She soon began to come out of her shell and slowly this amazing creature began to emerge. Once she became assured that I would not only love her dearly but never give her up, she became without a doubt the most alive dog I have ever met. Each day was an adventure, another opportunity to live life to the fullest and embrace everything that came her way. Along the way, she taught me what it was like to live, something that I had kind of forgotten how to do.
River quickly became the Alpha Dog, letting Sammy know that she was boss. Now this wasn't really that difficult, Sammy couldn't fight his way out of a wet paper bag, but it became a role that she would never relinquish, not even in her last days. Several years later, Shadow came to live with us and another transition began. Shadow was totally different from Sammy and River. Very laid back and an emotional wreck, Shadow had spent a full year living at the shelter. Again, a transition would have to take place to make this dog feel a part of the family.
That was five years ago and in retrospect, it didn't take Shadow long to become one with us. He is a gentle soul, perhaps the friendliest dog I've ever had the pleasure to know. He is clumsy, not very intelligent (especially compared to the brilliant Border Collies) and a bit of a goof ball. In short, he is perfect. River welcomed him into her brood and over the years, the two of them developed a very special relationship.
For five years, the three dogs became one of the most important parts of my life. They slept in my bed, welcomed me home each time like I had been gone for months and did nothing but bring joy to my life. The four of us were pretty much attached at the hip and it seemed like it would last forever. This past Christmas, my Mother and I decided to take the dogs to have their pictures taken with Santa. Dharma, my Mom's dog, is older than mine and has had several very serious health problems. Both of us were afraid this might be Dharma's last Christmas and we wanted something to remember it with.
Two weeks after Christmas, I began to notice that River was having trouble going to the bathroom. It didn't seem like that big of a deal but gradually it got worse. River had never been sick a day in her life and I figured that the worst it could be was a simple urinary tract infection. I took her to the vet, certain that some anti-biotics wold do the trick and she would be back to normal in just a few days. An hour later, I had been kicked in the gut and sent reeling with the diagnosis of cancer.
I had not noticed that her lymph nodes had become very swollen but it wouldn't have mattered. The lymphoma was extremely aggressive and had most likely only been detectable for a few weeks. It had spread throughout her body and was attacking her bones and most organs. The prognosis wasn't good but the doctors thought that with major steroids and other medicines, we might get a few good months out of her. Five days later I awoke to what I feared most. After several good days, things had taken a turn for the worse. She was barely able to walk and her breathing was very labored. I called in sick to work and rushed her to the doctor, hoping against hope that something could be done.
She died in my arms that morning as I held her tight. As she took her last breath, I whispered into her ear that I loved her dearly and would always keep her memory alive. I have yet to forgive myself for letting this happen, this signing of the paperwork which gave the vet permission to put her to sleep. I keep seeing her face, the look of fear and uncertainty in her eyes. It was almost as if she were asking me "why are you doing this to me?" I know this wasn't what she was thinking but I can't help but feel that way.
I hope that she knew that what I was doing was out of love, out of a desire not to see her suffer. The cancer had eaten away at her body and now she could barely walk but I just couldn't help but feel that I was betraying my friend. I miss her so much and as the weeks slowly pass by, I do sometimes feel better. I have my good days but they are still few and far between. For the most part, I am still very much in pain, filled with this grief that will not go away.
So no, she wasn't just a dog, she was so much more. Like Sammy and Shadow and all of my pets that have come before, River is very much a part of my family. River was my friend, my companion and my baby. I miss her so much and even with all I have written her tonight, words cannot begin to express how much her loss has left a gaping hole inside my heart and soul. My life seems a bit less meaningful now that she is gone and when Sammy and Shadow leave this world, I will feel very much the same. It would appear that I am both the perfect dog owner and the worst dog owner.
The Heartbreak Continues
It's been over a week and still my heart aches like never before. I am so haunted by the loss of my friend and each day is a struggle to return to normal. I miss my River so much and it's just killing me that she is gone. I miss you so much baby girl and I have always and will always love you very, very much.
Good Night Sweet Baby, Good Night
I lost my baby girl this morning. I woke up to find her barely able to walk with very labored breathing. Two hours later, she passed gently into the night as I held her in my arms. River was born on June 24, 2000 and two years later, she came into my life. It would take months to get her to open up and start living again. For the next 8 years or so, she was always at my side, a bond formed that lasted a lifetime. I tried to give her the best life possible and I think I did. She loved me very much and I simply adored her. She will live on in my heart and soul and till my last breath, I will keep her memory alive. With a very heavy heart and countless tears, I begin the process of grieving for my friend. The days ahead will be among the most difficult I have ever faced. She wasn't just my baby, she was my friend and a wonderful friend at that.
Good night sweet River, your Mommy loves you more than you could have ever known. I love you my girl, you'll always live in my soul. Rest well and one day, I hope that we can be together again. I love you baby and always will. Peace be with you River!
River, may you rest in peace forever. June 24, 2000-January 13, 2011.
Good night sweet River, your Mommy loves you more than you could have ever known. I love you my girl, you'll always live in my soul. Rest well and one day, I hope that we can be together again. I love you baby and always will. Peace be with you River!
River, may you rest in peace forever. June 24, 2000-January 13, 2011.
Better
Certainly not out of the woods but things are looking up, at least in the short term. Things looked pretty bleak yesterday morning but by last night, River seemed to be responding well to her medicine. By this morning, she seemed like a different dog. The swelling in the lymph nodes has decreased dramatically and her energy level is up as is her appetite. All good signs but until we get the results of her biopsy (either Tuesday or Wednesday), we just won't know for sure. If it is indeed cancer, well, the best we can hope for is a couple of months. If it isn't cancer, well, she should make a full recovery.
The odds are still against us, there is a definite hard lump under her face but it has shrunk big time and there is still a small chance that this is just a bad bacterial infection. Whatever happens is out of my hands but with love and the excellent care of my vet, she seems to have turned the corner and is holding her own. I honestly thought that this would be the day I had to make a big decision but Monday has come and almost gone so we live to fight another day. She's one tough little bitch, my River.
The odds are still against us, there is a definite hard lump under her face but it has shrunk big time and there is still a small chance that this is just a bad bacterial infection. Whatever happens is out of my hands but with love and the excellent care of my vet, she seems to have turned the corner and is holding her own. I honestly thought that this would be the day I had to make a big decision but Monday has come and almost gone so we live to fight another day. She's one tough little bitch, my River.
What A Difference An Hour Makes
I took my River into the vet today thinking she might have a urinary tract infection. An hour later, I'm faced with the news that she has terminal cancer. It's pretty bad and the prognosis is bleak at best. I couldn't make any kind of decision today so my doctor has given her fluids, pain medication and steroids to keep her comfortable through the weekend. I'll make a decision on Monday and though I know what that will probably be, it's just too painful to think about right now.
These dogs are so loyal, so loving and so devoted. They do nothing but give love and only ask that we take care of them in return. I've given her what I think is a pretty great life and so as I spend what could be these last few days with her, I'll do everything I can to make it special. Dogs are such a blessing and I can't imagine life without them. I spend more time with them than I do with anyone else. They are always so happy to see me when I get home, always by my side and are quite generous with the kisses.
I love you my River, you'll always live in my soul...
These dogs are so loyal, so loving and so devoted. They do nothing but give love and only ask that we take care of them in return. I've given her what I think is a pretty great life and so as I spend what could be these last few days with her, I'll do everything I can to make it special. Dogs are such a blessing and I can't imagine life without them. I spend more time with them than I do with anyone else. They are always so happy to see me when I get home, always by my side and are quite generous with the kisses.
I love you my River, you'll always live in my soul...
Merry, Happy Whatever...
Today is, in the western world, Christmas Eve. Tomorrow, Christmas Day, is the second most sacred day to Christians around the world. If you believe the Christian Bible, tomorrow is the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ. If you don't believe that bible, well, it's December 25th. To most religions, and there are literally thousands and thousands, tomorrow is just another day and nothing more. To Christians, it's a time to come together and celebrate by...putting presents under a spruce tree?
Yeah, I know, it's messed up. For all intents and purposes, Christmas has become about as secular as is humanly possible. Most people won't go to church tonight or tomorrow. Most won't be thinking of Baby Jesus when they open up their flat screen televisions and shiny iPads. Yes, many of them will go out of make a big fuss about being believers but when push comes to shove, those pews in churches coast to coast will be more empty than full come Sunday morning.
As an Atheist, I find this all rather amusing. To me, the Bible and the Christian Faith are no more true than the fairy tales of Mother Goose. Science has answered many if not all of our questions and with each passing day, it becomes more and more clear that we are just random beings inhabiting a rather ordinary planet that orbits a rather ordinary star in a rather ordinary part of a rather ordinary galaxy in what is looking more and more likely, one of trillions of universes that exist in the here and now.
There is no longer any need for a supernatural being to explain who we are and how we got here. We exist because the rules of our universe say we should exist. That to me is more than enough and so tonight and tomorrow, I'll celebrate the secular Christmas by getting together with my small family, having a nice dinner out tonight, watch a movie afterwards and come tomorrow morning, the dogs and I will head to Mom's to unwrap some shiny gifts of our own.
We'll also make another vow to do everything in our very limited power to make this world a somewhat better place for all to live in. That to me is the ultimate meaning of Christmas. It is not about the birth of Jesus anymore than it is about Santa Claus and eggnog. No, Christmas is about bringing the vast human family together and figuring out a way to make this life the best it can possibly be, not just for us, but for all living creatures.
I want to wish everyone a Very Merry Christmas, a Happy Holidays and Happy Winter Solstice. However you choose to celebrate or not celebrate, please take a moment to give back to the world at large and remember, may you forever find peace.
Yeah, I know, it's messed up. For all intents and purposes, Christmas has become about as secular as is humanly possible. Most people won't go to church tonight or tomorrow. Most won't be thinking of Baby Jesus when they open up their flat screen televisions and shiny iPads. Yes, many of them will go out of make a big fuss about being believers but when push comes to shove, those pews in churches coast to coast will be more empty than full come Sunday morning.
As an Atheist, I find this all rather amusing. To me, the Bible and the Christian Faith are no more true than the fairy tales of Mother Goose. Science has answered many if not all of our questions and with each passing day, it becomes more and more clear that we are just random beings inhabiting a rather ordinary planet that orbits a rather ordinary star in a rather ordinary part of a rather ordinary galaxy in what is looking more and more likely, one of trillions of universes that exist in the here and now.
There is no longer any need for a supernatural being to explain who we are and how we got here. We exist because the rules of our universe say we should exist. That to me is more than enough and so tonight and tomorrow, I'll celebrate the secular Christmas by getting together with my small family, having a nice dinner out tonight, watch a movie afterwards and come tomorrow morning, the dogs and I will head to Mom's to unwrap some shiny gifts of our own.
We'll also make another vow to do everything in our very limited power to make this world a somewhat better place for all to live in. That to me is the ultimate meaning of Christmas. It is not about the birth of Jesus anymore than it is about Santa Claus and eggnog. No, Christmas is about bringing the vast human family together and figuring out a way to make this life the best it can possibly be, not just for us, but for all living creatures.
I want to wish everyone a Very Merry Christmas, a Happy Holidays and Happy Winter Solstice. However you choose to celebrate or not celebrate, please take a moment to give back to the world at large and remember, may you forever find peace.
Still Here Folks
I'm still here everyone, just haven't had much to say. Tomorrow will be the 3rd day this week that my school district has been out because of winter weather. Monday was because of snow and today and tomorrow are because of the big ice storm we had over night. I'm now off work till 2011 but wish I was working tomorrow as we had our big holiday party planned for the kids and lots of great presents for them. Alas, that will have to wait till the first week of January.
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