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I got back Saturday night and tomorrow I'll be returning to work. This past week was without a doubt, the worst of my life. I've never had to do something so difficult and yet it all seems like a blur. While it's nice to be home, it was nonetheless comforting to be around so many people that obviously loved and cared for my Father. Though Dad and I never really saw the world the same, we often clashed, we still loved each other very much and losing him has closed another chapter in my life. Beginning tomorrow, I'll start trying to live again and somehow get on with this thing we call life.
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It's a milestone that you never thought would happen so soon in life. We never thought we'd lose my mom at the tender age of 60, but we did. She was still 'young' old, which meant we were expecting her to live at least another 15 years.
The two stages of grief I battled with the first year and a half were guilt and bargaining. I was guilty for not being able to take away her pain much less her illness, and I was always try to strike up a deal with God. Finding some way around this, trying to give up something ELSE to keep my mom here. It was an endless battle that not only wore me out, but was completely pointless. It was her time to go, she was ready, and she wanted me to take care of everything because she knew I was strong enough to do it. Enabling her to exercise her dignity and the autonomy for her to choose the way she wanted to die were the things I was able to offer to her. And no matter how painful it was, I did all that she asked. Losing her has been the hardest struggle in my life. These last 2+ years have taught me so much. You are in our prayers and our thoughts. Missi and I have both lost a parent, and it doesn't matter how close the relationship is (or not), it leaves a void. It lets us truly realize that we are not invincible. And neither are our parents.
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