Doofus Hipsters Must Die

You've seen them everywhere, they are a plague on our society and it's time the rest of us went about eradicating each and every one of them. They like to hang out in urban neighborhoods, usually near the coffee shop or record store. They tend to mingle in packs, an equal mix of girls and boys. Those of age like to drink PBR, not because it's good beer, it isn't, but because it's so ironic. Their cigarette of choice is anything made by Camel and it's the only thing they ever seem to have money for.



The boys are fond of shaggy beards, trucker hats, tee shirts that are three sizes too small, skinny jeans (no one looks good in skinny jeans), canvass shoes that are generally held together with duct tape. The only thing of value is generally an iPod. No doubt there is nothing but shitty music on said iPod.



The girls like to wear much the same, usually complemented with a scarf and wool hat, no matter the season or the temperature. They are skinny beyond belief and so in need of an all you can eat buffet. They live on coffee and cigarettes and are often much more insufferable than the guys they like to hang out with.



Most of them live at home in the suburbs but like to hang in the city, either riding in on the bus or catching a ride with the rare hipster who owns a car. They contribute nothing to society. They do not buy anything at the stores they like to hang out at, preferring to just watch the traffic go by, make snide comments at those better dressed and from time to time, take a ride on a too old skateboard.



I say no more. This plague must be stopped and stopped now. When you see these hipsters on the street, let them know how stupid they look. By all means, make fun of them, laugh at them and make them get off your property. Tell them to go back to the suburbs where they live, we don't want your kind down here. Whatever you do, don't imitate them and certainly don't become one of them. Treat them with the disgust that they so deserve.