Moving On and Shit That Needs To Be Said

One of the first things one figures out when beginning transition is that it takes on a life of it's own. It is all consuming and no matter how hard you try, it just takes over your life. Eventually, the time comes when you begin to tire of the whole ordeal and you start to wonder if it will ever end. I hit that point last year and for the life of me, I want nothing more to do with any of this crap and that includes being associated in anyway with the "T" word.

I'm so ready to get on with my life and put this all behind me. What was once exciting and hopeful is now just dreadful and depressing. If I had to do it all over again, knowing what I know now, I'm not sure that I could find a way to do it. So, it's time, time for me to make a split and sever forever my ties with those who identify as "T". But before I go, I need to get a few things off my chest and it may not be pretty.

Perhaps the thing that pisses me off the most is the is the whole idea of the word "Transgender". I resent ever being grouped with the transvestites, the drag queens and kings and others whose gender identity was all over the freaking place. I am not one of you and you are not one of me. I do not support your cause nor your inclusion in civil rights legislation, yet alone your attempt to hijack the word transsexual.

When I was working with my employer over how to proceed with my transition, one of the great fears was the whole idea of the "man in a dress". Of men invading a woman's space, of men who get a thrill by wearing clothes that real women would never, ever wear. You made my life much more difficult than it needed to be and I can never forgive you for that. It took a lot of effort on my part to convince the powers that be that I was not that person and once they figured that out, everything fell effortlessly into place. So, I urge you all, go away and leave those of us who really are born with a medical condition the fuck alone.

Second, I so pity the professional transsexual. Please, for the love of God, get on with your life and start living as the man or woman you were supposed to be. Quit trying to tell those of us who just want to blend in that we are "sell outs" and "traitors". We are none of that and you know it. We are women and men who just want to live our lives the way they were supposed to be lived. That means not broadcasting to every single person who will listen that we are transsexual, that we were born with a penis.

Third, I think it might be time to question the whole alphabet soup thing. You will find few people who support the civil liberties of my gay and lesbian brothers and sisters more than I do. Many of my best friends identify as gay or lesbian and there is nothing that I wouldn't do to help them out in any situation. But the thing is, I'm not quite sure we really have all that much in common, yet alone a reason to be grouped together.

Now before I go any further, let me stress that a new generation of gay and lesbian leaders has emerged and they don't see the world the way the old guard does. If they are successful in taking the reign of the movement, than I will drop my concerns. My experience has shown that the old guard is dominated by the rich and oh so white older gay male. Many of them have little patience for those that fall under the LB or T umbrella. (I want to stress that there are always exceptions to the rule and it is so in this case too.)

They see the B and T holding them back and to an extent, I agree. It all goes back to my first point, the co-opting of the term "transgender" to include not just transsexuals and intersex individuals but also the transvestites and drag queens and kings. These people do nothing for our cause and yet they are so often the face of the movement. Again, I worked so freaking hard to overcome the image of the "man in the dress" so yeah, I say a big fuck you to you. Leave. Go away. Disappear. Whatever you do, stop trying to tag along, hijacking a legitimate medical condition.

Finally, I want to say thank you to several people who have been so amazing during this long and difficult journey. You know who you are but if you don't, here's a list...Erin, NexyJo, Kara, Amy, Anonymous T-Girl, KonaGod, Jacq, Missi and Stella. You are all very special people and I look forward to long friendships with all of you. Know that I love you all.


Lori D | January 24, 2010 at 5:53 PM

So does this mean you're shutting down your blog too? Will you no longer be writing or are you simply moving on to not talking about the issue T?

Whatever you do and wherever you go, I wish you well and hope you find all you wanted out of life. It's YOUR life, may you live it to the fullest!


Kelly | January 24, 2010 at 7:59 PM

Hi Lori, no, I'm not going anywhere, it's just that the focus of my blog is going to change. I hope what I said today wasn't too harsh but I'm still kinda bitter over certain things that have happened to us.

There are people like you and me who are trying so hard to just get on with life and yet we are seen as traitors to the cause for choosing a life that doesn't broadcast who we are.

I really do believe that we as true transsexuals are very much hurt by those who have tried to co-opt our cause. My Mom's biggest fear for me was that I would be seen as one of them, that the cross dressers and queens who seek publicity are what people think when they here the word transsexual.

We've all seen them at one point in out transitions, the ones who show up at support groups dressed to the nines in clothes that are always way out of style, stuff that no woman would ever wear. They have no intention of ever having SRS/GRS and yet they want to be treated as women when they are dressed up.

I just needed to say what I did and now I'm going to move on. From time to time, I'm sure that I'll share some stories that have to do with being "T" and that's fine.

I hope you know that I follow your goings on on Facebook and am so impressed.


P. J. Schrödinger | January 28, 2010 at 8:55 PM

Kiaora Kelly

To you and all the many like you: You are correct. You will not be duped by the sexologists, the WPATH pseudo-scientists or self anointed behaviorist 'experts'.

They have nothing but grief to offer up. All to often the TG 'gender' politicians are little better than ventriloquist's dummies reciting the mantras of their masters.

They offer nothing but an invisible trans-burkha and a life of eternal other-ment. We are all better than that. We all have better lives to live.

Just you go get it while you can :-)

Angel | January 28, 2010 at 11:29 PM

Good for you, Kelly. I understand how you feel... I reached the same point some time back, and I've been gradually distancing myself from the "trans" community.

Anonymous T-Girl | January 31, 2010 at 12:45 PM

You have been one of just a few people i have not only just been reading, but grown very fond of, Kelly. i will find a way to meet you someday.

And i'll be following suit in your thoughts on all things T eventually.

But first i'm going to do everything i can to reverse this wrong that has been done to us. We will not remain silent any longer.

Others think they can swallow us down out of sight from public view and the debates.

They're wrong. And in attempting to do so, they're going to end up choking on me hard.

nexy | February 2, 2010 at 11:20 AM

it's very comforting to know that i've been a help in your journey. i've also been slowly backing away from all things trans, but i know it's something from which i can never fully withdraw. especially as i get older, and medical concerns arise, i have to choose between seeing a doctor who specializes in trans issues, or seeing a general specialist, to whom i have to choose disclosure of my past or not.

be that as it may, i look forward to a continuing friendship, following your blog, and perhaps even meeting in person one day.


konagod | February 3, 2010 at 2:12 PM

It was only recently that I was told by someone -- probably at Pam's and not Shakesville since I can't comment there -- that transgender includes crossdressers etc. I was rather shocked. But that was one transgendered woman's opinion, and knowing that there's a lot of diversity of opinion out there, I just took it without comment.

While I understand the point they are trying to make about inclusiveness in this fight, you are actually quite correct in saying that it complicates a different just cause, and would indeed make your transition more difficult by being taken less seriously.

It's not unlike the flamboyant gay pride parades which so many in the straight world associate with the word gay. I'm about as gay as it gets and I still cringe when I see something outrageous in a pride parade because I know it'll be fuel for the hatemongers.

But I can't hate them for celebrating and having fun. It shouldn't be a big deal if a guy wants to stand up on a float in a brief and a pink boa dancing along to some disco shit. I despise the people who take that (which again, is unfortunately so easily handed to them) and use it to spread their hatred for gays & lesbians, as if that's all we ever do.

Anyway, I'm starting to ramble. Nice post from the heart. And thank you, because I really hadn't thought of the difficulties you have had from that particular perspective.