A Jacq MeMe

I'm late getting to this but wanted to share. This comes from Jacq...

My ex... girlfriends are an ecclectic mix, some good, some bad but all very interesting.

Maybe I should... stop eating like a guy.

I love... my family, my dogs, my friends, my job, my city, my books, my bed, my legs and most of all, myself.

People would say...I'm probably the only transsexual they know.

I don't understand... Americans voted for George Bush not once but twice.

When I wake up in the morning... I have this urge to smash my alarmclock to pieces.

I lost... my male privlege and have no regrets about that.

Life is full of... challenges and opportunities, what we do with them makes all the difference.

My past is... what it is, I can't change a thing and so I have no regrets.

I get annoyed when... stupid people try to argue with me over things they don't know a thing about.

Parties are... not as good as small get togethers with close friends.

I wish... I had been born a natal female. Life would be so much easier.

Dogs... are God's greatest gift to mankind and life without them would suck.

Cats... are annoying in so many ways.

Tomorrow...is another day. h/t to Scarlet O'hara.

I have low tolerance... for the human race, especially Americans.

If I had a million dollars... I probably wouldn't have any credit card debt.

I'm totally terrified of...how I'll survive once my Mom is gone.

Crash and Burn- A Front Row Seat for the Big Decline

Updates: It ended up being even worse than it looked a few hours earlier. Some numbers tell the story:
1. The Dow closed down over 350 points.

2. Worst June for the Dow since the Great Depression.

3. Crude oil sets an all time record high of $140 a barrel.

4. General Motors market value now half that of Avon. The once mighty company is a shadow of it's former self as it prepares to either shut down entirely or be taken over by Japan. Either way, a sad end to something that was at one time a great name.

The original:

Not really a surprise, at least not to people who have been paying attention, but the Stock Market is tanking big time today as oil prices soar, banks appear to be on the verge of going belly up, US airlines are all heading towards extinction and Detroit will soon stop making automobiles.

Just a few predictions:

1. Oil hit's $150 a barrel by the Labor Day holiday.
2. The Dow drops below 10,000 by Halloween and hits 8,000 by early February.
3. At least two major US airlines will fold before the calendar year is over.
4. At least two major banks go under before the calendar year is over.
5. Housing prices will fall at least another 20% by the end of the calendar year.
6. By this time next year, all bans on drilling for oil off the Continental Shelf and in Alaska will be lifted. Oil prices will continue to rise, domestic production will continue to decline and gas prices will reach $6 a gallon, if not higher.
7. By this time next year, most of Europe, Asia and North America will officially be in a recession. Unlike past recessions, this one will never end.
8. Politicians will continue to pander to the lowest common denominator and fail to realize that the mess we find ourselves in is of our own doing and that there just isn't a whole lot we can do about it.

Then again, I could be wrong, at least I hope I am, but all signs point to the Great Unraveling of the 21st Century.

You Are Now Free To Open Fire

Feel free to pull out a gun, open fire and shoot as many people as you can. In a ruling that is sure to increase the crime rate, specifically murder, the US Supreme Court has ruled that there should be no ban on owning weapons. For those of you who voted for George W. Bush because you thought John Kerry was an elitist, well, you made this happen. I'm going to come right out and say it: Increasingly, I hate this country with a passion.

One of the Funniest Things I've Read in a Long Time

CBS Marketwatch has an article up about how the EIA is predicting that oil will rise to $186 a barrel by, get this, 2030. I really did need a good laugh and this was it. Assuming one would even be able to buy a barrel of oil in 2030, the price will most certainly be at least triple the prediction. I don't think we'll hit that figure this year or next but by 2010 we'll be longing for the good old days when oil was only selling for $135 a barrel. Of course, should Israel or Dubya launch an attack against Iran this year, all bets are off as oil would easily shoot past $200 a barrel and never drop back below.

Happy Birthday RIver

Eight years ago today, my pretty girl came into this world. I adopted her at age two and she's been with me ever since and will till her last breath. She's as rotten as they come, I won't lie about that, but I love her dearly and I'm glad that I have been able to give her a good home full of love and attention. We'll celebrate later on with a nice big dinner and a big fat soup bone from the meat department. Happy Birthday Girl, I love you!

It Doesn't Mean What You Think It Means

Only in the Highlands would a Skyline Chili put up a sign like this. In this part of the country, chili is often served in what is called 3 way. Still, I suppose that a lot of Dad's would have been a bit happier with the other meaning.

Where The Hell Has Matt Been?

He's back after visiting 42 countries in 14 days. Simply brilliant, simply brilliant and wouldn't we all like to be him. For more on how this is possible, check out their site here. But whatever you do, please watch this video as it's even better than the first.

Steps In A Transition

From a male to female perspective:

1. Out you pop, the doctor slaps you on the ass, holds you and up looks between your legs and says "Congratulations, it's a boy." Were you able to speak, you'd say "excuse me, I don't think so."

2. In the early years, you can't quite wrap your infant mind around the fact that you keep getting dressed in blue and have baseball bats on your wallpaper.

3. You find yourself becoming more and more frustrated with the toys you keep getting for Christmas and birthdays.

4. At age 4, you play doctor with your best friend from next door. Traumatized for life when you discover that Emily has different parts than you do.

5. In elementary school, you don't understand why the teachers keep insisting that you play with the boys at recess. Cries of no are met with disapproving looks and threats of time out.

6. Puberty hits, you start to get body hair, your face sprouts tiny hairs and your voice deepens. You cry yourself to sleep each and every night.

7. Prayers to God, asking him/her to make you a girl go unanswered. You swear off religion for over 25 years.

8. Favorite television show is Charlies Angels, only because you want to be Kelly, the character played by Jacyln Smith. Friends don't understand why you want to play Charlies Angels instead of the A-Team. Mental note: Never bring that up again unless your idea of fun is getting your ass kicked.

9. The testosterone that is flooding your body makes you aware of girls for other reasons than feeling that you are one. Childhood crushes begin and set up a lifetime of heartbreak.

10. Finally old enough that you start sneaking around the library looking for anything that might tell you that others have the same feelings as you do. Shocked when you discover that you are not alone. Hope is once again rekindled.

11. Parents feel that you are old enough to be left at home while they go out. It takes all of 3 minutes for you to find your way to Mom's closet. You dress for the first time and feel totally guilty about it but still you keep doing it.

12. High school begins and having to shave every day pretty much makes you miserable. You feel alone, afraid and all messed up inside.

13. Off to college you go, the parents cry and you relish your freedom till the moment they drive off. Suddenly you are all alone, stuck in a dorm with another guy and knowing that whatever you do, you can't risk dressing, trying on makeup or painting your toes.

14. You go from one girlfriend to another, each one is pretty good but you seem to be more interested in what is in their closet than what is in their pants.

15. Finally, you graduate and it's time to get a job. You've resigned yourself to the fact that you are most likely going to have to make a go of it as a guy. The girlfriends suddenly get a bit more serious and you begin to think that if you can just meet the right girl, fall in love and get married, these crazy feelings of being born the wrong gender will go away. They don't of course and you sink deeper and deeper into a funk.

16. You can't stay focus, switch jobs frequently, find solace in a bottle and swear that you'll get over this. In a moment of weakness, you order some clothing from a catalog and dress for the first time since high school. You get depressed when you see how stupid you look and do the only thing you can, you purge it all and put it out of your mind.

17. Six months later, you get the urge to dress again. Fear overtakes you and causes you to realize that even in a city of 1.3 million people, odds are great that this time you'll run into one or more of the following while shopping: A. Mom; B. Poker buddies; C. Your boss. All of whom know that you don't have a girlfriend or wife that you would be shopping for. As a result, you get in the car, drive to a city an hour away and shop in peace.

18. Finally, at age 30 or so, you find the job of your dreams and for the first time in your life, you think that things are finally going to work out for you. For awhile it does and you are happy.

19. One day, bored out of your mind, you start reading the paper and for some reason, who knows why, you decide to read the Business section, something you never do. On the cover is a story of a woman who works for one of the big banks in New York who has just transitioned from male to female. You devour every word, are amazed that someone made it work and you rush to the bookstore to find every book you can on gender identity. Your internet searches are suddenly filled with such words as Gender Identity, Transsexual, Gender Transition, etc.

20. On a whim, you paint your toenails pink, shave your legs and hope to God that no one notices. They don't.

21. One May day in 2003, you walk into your therapist office, tell her you've been keeping something from her and for the first time in your life, you tell someone that you feel as if you should have been born a girl. Therapist looks at you and says, "well, that explains a lot."

22. You feel great having said those words and while out to dinner with your best friend, you confide in her and she isn't surprised a bit. Getting your nerve up, you decide to tell your Mother and Father. As the time approaches, you decide that you would rather be walking to the electric chair than getting ready to tell your parents that you think you're a transsexual.

23. Of all the things you could have said, this was the last thing that Mom was expecting. She gives you a hug and a kiss and says that she will always love you and support you no matter what. You show her your toenails, she makes an uneasy smile and you leave feeling good about things. Mom spends the rest of the night crying, doesn't sleep and feels as if the world has ended.

24. Mom trys to learn as much as she can and gamely reads the books you give her. You try to calm her by telling her you're probably not going to do anything about it and for the moment, you believe that too.

25. You tell the rest of your family and most of your friends. With the exception of one or two, all are very accepting but worried about what life will be like for you.

26. You pick out a name and to make it easier on Mom and Dad, you go with the one that they would have named you had you been born a girl. They feel pretty honored about that.

27. You decide it's time to go out in public as a girl. Opening the front door is the hardest thing you've ever done in your life. You make it to the car and hope that no one saw you. Roll down the window so you can throw up outside the car. Off you go to the therapist and while waiting to see her, you feel every eye on you. Instead of using the women's restroom, you wet yourself.

28. Mom freaks out when she finds out that you did this.

29. Mom starts to come to grips with all of this and now your therapist thinks it's time to start the hormones. Off you go to the endocrinologist, get your prescriptions, get them filled and rush home to shoot yourself up. Having never given yourself a shot before, you can't get it to work and start to cry. You have to wait till your cousin, who works for a doctor, can come over to give it to you. It hurst but it's a good kind of hurt.

30. Tears come at all moments, most of the time it's totally unexpected. Skin gets soft, body hair thins and then one day, your nipples hurt like hell and they start to grow. Before long, you're shopping for bras.

31. You hit 200 hours of electrolysis on your face and realize that you'll need about 100 more to get the job done. Each hair hurts as much as the first one but what choice do you have?

32. Mom goes with you to the courthouse, you pay your $50, fill out the paperwork, the clerk smiles and tells you congratulations and she's very happy for you. Two days later, the court ordered name change comes in the mail. It's official, you now have a girls name and it takes at least a year to get all your documents, accounts and other such stuff changed.

33. Mom tells you that she's given things a lot of thought and decides that she wants to give you a gift. She agrees to pay for most of your facial feminization surgery and you will spend the rest of your life trying to thank her.

34. Nine hours of surgery, months of recovery and a whole lot of pain but suddenly you begin to see a girl looking back at you when you look in the mirror.

35. You meet Melissa, the woman of your dreams, someone who totally does it for you and suddenly you wonder, "I wonder what would have happened with her were I not doing this." You are consoled a bit by the fact that she lives in the burbs and thus makes her geographically undesireable. Still, you can't get her out of your mind.

36. To your surprise, the big shots at work are totally cool about things and your job is safe. You breathe a sigh of relief and finally things start to come together. For the last time in your life, you wear something from the mens department. Giving it away the next day is a pretty amazing thing and you never look back.

37. You save and save and finally it's time to get what you've always wanted, a kitty kat.

38. All goes well and one day you get curious and you check to see if your electricity works as well as your plumbing. Holy Shit, that feels good. You stay in bed for two days.

39. Life is good and you live happily ever after.

Nuke It

I hate to agree with John McCain, he's one of the worst possible candidates that the Republican thugs could have nominated, but I totally agree with his proposal to ramp up the production of nuclear power plants with the goal of 45 new ones by 2030. My only beef with his plan is that it is too conservative. If we have any hope whatsoever of keeping the lights on over the course of the next few decades, we are going to have to rely on the only source of energy that can meet that need and that energy source is nuclear. Yes, nukes are very expensive to build, the waste will last hundreds of thousands of years and we have no plan to store it but the fact is, we are in a world of shit and face a from a massive power down, a global depression that never ends and the loss of billions of people.

Nuclear power, while not the long term answer, is the bridge to a sustainable energy future and is in my opinion, the only way to meet our needs without resorting to the overuse of coal which will only serve to cook our planet. We are 30 years post Natural Gas Peak, are currently at Peak Oil and our coal reserves, while vast, are greatly overstated. Transitioning to a non-fossil fuel world will take a lot of time, time that we don't have. Had we started 30 years ago we might just have made it but we didn't and now the shit is hitting the fan. There are a lot of promising new technologies which might one day create a sustainable energy world but right now, it just isn't so. Thus the need for a bridge to the future. That bridge is made of uranium and the time to build it is now.

In addition, several other steps can be taken to help ease the transition from oil, natural gas and coal. We need a massive ramp up of wind, solar, tidal and geothermal to supplement any new nuclear power. We need to cut our reliance on personal transportation and focus instead on mass transit, building a rail network that we can be proud of and development that makes sense, not the suburban hell we've come accustomed to. Times running out and I'm not sure that we can pull this off but we have to have hope and so I think we need to rethink our fear of nuclear power. It's either that or learn to read in the dark. Personally, I live having the lights on and if they need someplace to build a nuclear plant, put the damn thing in my backyard, as long as the lights stay on.

Before and After


and After

Still a work in progress but regardless, I'm a very happy person today.


I just threw my two cents into the ring over at the Yahoo Facial Feminization Surgery Group and I imagine I'll take a lot of grief over what I said. I agreed with another member who said that without FFS, it's damn near impossible to pass as female. I've met very few, actually none, that pass without it. That some girls have the nerve to post pre-FFS pics on that group and wonder aloud if they might need FFS is insulting and delusional. Even post-FFS, passing is still very difficult. I'm a perfect example of that. Despite spending nearly $30,000 on the works with one of the top surgeons in the world, I still get "read" as male nearly every single day. For the most part, people are nice and respectful and try to use the right pronouns and such but you can see it in the eyes, the way they do a double take, that they have put two and two together and come up with five.

Look, testosterone is a pretty nasty thing. It does it's job well and unless you start female hormones at puberty or before, it's going to be difficult to pass without some major work being done on your face. The male and female face are just so fundamentaly different that it becomes very difficult to create the illusion of being the other gender. That being said, it doesn't make one any less female, it's just that many of us are kidding ourselves when we think that we look great and that we're passable 100% of the time. In my years of browsing the web and interacting with the queer community, I've come across a few girls who do really, really well and probably never get "read" as male. The rest, well, they are a lot like me, doing the best they possibly can and just trying to get by.

This was taken today and is proof positive that I still look a lot like a guy.

Here Comes The Bride and Bride

It's a good day in California as the first gay and lesbian couples tied the knot. Good for them and good for us. Why gay marriage makes some people so mad is beyond me. If a church doesn't want to perform a ceremony, fine, but the government has no business telling consenting adults who can and cannot get married. Progress marches on, 2 down and only 48 to go!

Scary, aren't they?

For Jacq

Seems my girl likes the same words I do...

Blast From The Past

Wow, talk about cool. Today I exchanged several wonderful emails with one of my favorite friends from high school. Barbara and I met through a mutual friend even though we went to the same school (that happens a lot in a school the size of ours) and we quickly became really good friends. Barbara drove this really cool vintage Corvette that just oozed style. We used to hang out a lot at her house and on more than one occassion the gang would partake of the beverages in her fathers basement bar. After graduation, we kind of lost contact save for a couple of meetups at weddings. The last time I saw her was at Kristen's wedding in Wisconsin. I want to say that the year was 1998 but I might be off by a year.

I was dating Valarie at the time and was still trying to figure out how I could make a go of things as Greg. If you had told me back then that I would one day get up the courage to finally go through with this, I would have told you "you're nuts". Anyways, that was the last time I saw or talked to Barbara. I would ask Kristen about her whenever I talked with her but other than that, contact was lost. As you probably know, if you read this page regularly, our 20th reunion was a week ago and Barbara tracked me down by visiting our alumni page. It was so great to hear from her and it really did make my day. I miss a few of the people from high school quite a bit and I hope that maybe the old gang can one day meet up again.

Anyways, I just want to say thanks to Barbara for tracking me down and saying hello. You made my day and reminded me of what friendship is all about. You already knew about the whole gender thing and you didn't bat an eye. That means a lot to me and words can't express how much I appreciate your support and kind words. To celebrate the event and the 80's, here's a picture from the last time we were together and a video clip from the past:

From left: Barbara, Me, Kristen, Rico and Jennifer

Now Pour Some Sugar On Me...

Late At Night...

Sometimes, late at night, I'll wonder about things and why they are. I never have the answers of course but that never stops me from thinking about these things:

1. Why was I born a boy and not a girl?

2. Why did I turn out the way I did?

3. Why did I wait till my mid 30's to finally fess up to being trans?

4. How would life be different if I hadn't waited so long?

5. How would life be different if one of my girlfriends had turned into my wife?

6. How would life be different if I had really felt like the boy I looked like on the outside?

7. Will I ever be seen as female and not a transsexual?

8. Will people ever just accept me as Kelly who is Kelly and not Kelly who used to be Greg?

9. If I had been born female, would I have been happier? Would I have felt like I was really a boy?

10. Will I ever find someone to grow old with?


Tim Russert, NBC newsman and host of Meet the Press, has died at the age of 58. Having just returned from a family holiday in Italy, Russert collapsed at NBC's Washington headquarters. While I certainly had some major beefs with Russert, I feel awful for his family and all who worked with him at NBC.


Looking over the pictures that were posted of the 20th high school reunion that I avoided, I'm shocked at how old so many of those people look. A lot of them just haven't aged very well and it makes me feel pretty good knowing that I on the other hand look so young. I suppose the fact that I have no children, have a job that I love and spent my 20's living at a ski resort made all the difference. Anyways, I'm glad I didn't go and I'm a bit sorry a hurricane didn't hit Clearwater this past weekend.

Denial Isn't A River In Eygpt

Scrolling through the news today, it amazes me how many people are in denial as to the current economic meltdown caused by high energy prices, specifically high oil prices. This is not some temporary recession where things will soon get better. Oil will keep going up and up and our economy will keep going down and down. Events are unfolding so fast that it's difficult to keep up but one thing is sure, most folks, including the two men running for President, don't seem to have a clue. Pull your damn heads out of your ass and wake up to the fact that never again will energy be cheap or plentiful. I can't say it enough so I'll say it again:



It's hot and humid. I'm talking sweltering hot and sopping humidity. Tropical shit. Has been for weeks and will be for months.

High School

This weekend was my 20th high school reunion. Aside from the fact that I can't believe it's been that long, I have no other emotions about it. I did my thing in high school, had a few really great friends and made the most of a bad time in life. I moved from Louisville to Clearwater at the end of my freshman year and had a tough time adjusting. It wasn't horrible mind you, it's just that I left a school where I knew nearly everyone to attend an even bigger high school where students were often nothing more than a face in the crowd. Before East Lake High opened in 1986, Countryside had over 4,000 students and saw new students starting each and every day. It was just a fact of life that each day at school would bring a new face, each trying to adjust like the one before.

That being said, Countryside was a really good school, offered just about every conceivable subject and had stellar organizations, clubs and sports (save for football). The teachers were good, the building was new and being a very rich school, we had everything we could ever ask for. It was easy to tell the student parking lot from the teacher lot. The students drove Corvettes, BMWs, Mercedes, Porches and other fancy cars. The teachers drove Hondas, Chevies and Toyotas. More than a few kids had their own airplane, most lived in half million dollar houses and vacationed in Aspen and Europe. It was also lilly white with only a handful of minorities sprinkled in. Gender issues aside, I never considered going and glad I didn't.

Thus It Begins

I've been hesitant to say that this is it but as the bad news keeps on coming maybe it's time to rethink things and admit what I've suspected, but was afraid to say.

The party is over!

Today was a bloodbath of sorts as Wall Stree tanked, oil surged, unemployment surged, foreclosures grew and once powerful industries showed signs of failure. All of this is of course driven by the crisis unfolding with regards to energy. Oil will soon pass $150 a barrel as it sets it's sights on the $200 mark. Once that happens, all bets are off as the global economy will come crashing into depression, food shortages will appear in unlikely places, war will be waged and perhaps the greatest social upheavel in human history will thus begin. Yes, the party is over and what happens next is scary shit.

Some news:

1. Stock markets tank big time.

2. Oil rises over $11 a barrel.

3. Biggest rise in unemployment in 33 years.

4. FDIC says banks could fail.

5. 1.1 million homes in foreclosure, millions more on way.

6. Amerians $1.7 trillion, yes trillion, poorer.

7. Airlines barely hanging on.

8. Consumer debt jumps by $8.9 billion in April.

It goes on and on but you get the picture.

One Year Ago Today

It was this time last year that I was bruised, bloodied and beaten to a pulp. I suppose nine hours of cosmetic surgery will do that to a person. Anyways, I'm not really sure where all of that time went but gone it is. I don't have any great words of wisdom on this anniversary. It is what it is and nothing more, nothing less.


And After

What's New

Not that anyone is really reading this crap but I do try to keep the site updated and that I haven't done for a few days. It's been a very busy week as my Mom had surgery yesterday morning and that has occupied most, if not all, of my time. We had to be up at 4 AM yesterday and get her to the hospital for check in at 5:30. The surgery went great and the doctor expects no complications. I spent most of yesterday at the hospital though I did sneak home for an hour or two to get some shut eye. It was almost 10 before I got home last night and collapsed into bed. My brother Jeff took the morning shift and I was able to sleep in a bit and get some things done that needed taken care of. I went in around 3 and stayed till dark and made sure everything was well. I'll be back early tomorrow and hopefully she'll be coming home on Friday. If so, I'll stay over there for the weekend and possibly longer.

One year ago today, I was the one getting ready to go into surgery. If memory serves, I had my last supper and came back to the hotel hoping to get some sleep. It was a really strang evening but surprisingly peaceful. I was at peace with my decision to have surgery and felt good about what was going to happen. Though things haven't turned out like I had hoped, I have been able to move into this new life as Kelly and each day gets a bit easier. I wish the surgery had turned out better but what's done is done and it's time to move on. I'll be heading up to Chicago later in the month for some minor revisions with my doctor but for the most part, what I see is what I'll get.

I certainly turned out better than others but nowhere near as well as some of his best patients. I get "read" every single day and I'm getting more and more used to the stares and such, but sometimes it still hurts when someone does a double take or looks a bit too long. I don't know if I'll ever get to the point where that doesn't bother me but I hope I do. When I go up to see Dr. Z, I'm going to reiterate my disappoint in how things turned out. Whether he does anything about it is up to him but let him know I will. Anyways, I took a picture tonight and I thought I would share with you. It's taken with the camera built into my iMac so it's not as good as my digital camera would take but it does show my new blonde hair. Keep in mind that this was taken after a long day at the hospital and wearing no makeup. Be kind.

She Gets It

Whatever works to get the message out. Good for her.