For most of my life, I avoided church like the plague. Very few things about religion ever made sense to me and throughout life, I've always questioned the existence of a Supreme Being. So much of what is wrong with the world is the result of religion, or more specifically, relgious nuts. Violence against women, wars, slavery and bigotry have all been justified by a Bible, Koran or other religious text. So imagine my surprise when I began attending church four or five years ago. I'm not sure what it was that brought me to those doors but for a long time, I really did enjoy it. The church I found was a lovely place that welcomed all and preached not about hate and hurt and bigotry but about love and peace and acceptance.
During those years, I officially got baptized, became a Deacon and for all intents and purposes was an integral part of the church. I enjoyed going, the people were and are wonderful and it just seemed very comfortable. But this year, something happened and as suddenly as I started going to church, I stopped. The last time I walked through those doors was early May and though I've thought about going back from time to time, the truth is, I just don't want to. I suppose part of it has to do with the fact that I was becoming increasingly bored with services. Each Sunday seemed to be the same and it got to the point where I just dreaded going the next. At the same time, I began to critically think about religion again and what I found troubled me. In short, I sort of quit believing.
Last night, I told myself that I was going to go back and see if maybe things had changed. I did set my alarm, laid out some clothes and felt convinced that this would be the Sunday that I returned. Alas, it didn''t happen. I did get up. I did think about it. In the end, I felt like a better use of my time would be to go back to bed and that is what I did. Oddly, I don't feel bad about that. I'm beginning to think that church and me just don't go together, sort of like oil and water. I do miss the people there, I really do, but so far, there just hasn't been anything to make me go back. Strange.
UPDATE: I guess I should have mentioned that a big part of my never going to church has to do with a lot of lingering anger over the gender I was born. As a small kid, I used to pray every night that I would wake up a girl and when that never happened, I found myself feeling nothing but anger. Of course that's not a logical thing to do but being a kid, things aren't always so logical.