As I slowly recover from my brief descent into Hell on Friday, I got to thinking about a couple of things. As I've said before, adjusting to the draastic mood swings that come about from estrogen has been an incredibly difficult thing to come to grips with. No man, despite how much they profess to understand women, can possibly understand what it's like to live under the evil spell of estrogen. This transition from male to female is a whole series of steps and realizations that makes one realize that no sane man would ever in a million years undertake what I and countless others have done. So, for any of you guys out there, here's a list of of sanity breaking steps and realizations from a girl in transition:
1. Estrogen- Good God, why in the hell was this stuff ever created? To make men crazy of course. Words cannot explain the way this stuff makes you feel. At times, this unreal sense of calm comes over you, erasing any past of sex induced testosterone. Other times it makes you cry for no reason whatsoever, snap at friends for minor little things and send you into dramatic mood swings that no man has ever experienced. Add in the fact that no one has ever done long term studies on the health effects of estrogen therapy in transsexuals and it's a real roll of the dice.
2. Electrolysis- I assure you that only the most gender screwed up men would ever undergo hundreds of hours of facial electrolysis to remove the dreaded facial hair. The joke is that electrolysis is where you find out if your man enough to be a woman. So far I am.
3. Makeup- Of all the things that I've had to start doing, wearing makeup is my least favorite thing.
4. Hair- I have to admit, since I went on estrogen and stopped producing measurable amounts of testosterone, my hair loss has not only stopped but started to fill back in. I now have a very healthy head of hair that is as full as any natal chica. That being said, I sometimes miss the ease of fixing guy hair (dry with towel, rub in gel and go).
5. Shoes- I love shoes, absolutely adore them, but a whole lot of womens shoes are damn uncomfortable. Don't even talk to me about heels.
6. Shaving- Shaving your legs everyday is a major pain in the ass and something that I only do in the summer. Now it's well known that I have a real body hair phobia, yuck, and so baby smooth skin is actually pretty cool. As for natal females, this whole going bare down there is just gross and makes me ill. I like some hair down there.
7. Surgeries- So far I've only had one but if all goes according to plan, I still have two more to go. I'm still up in the air about doing breast augmentation this coming summer, but it's going to happen sooner or later. As for the big one, well, that can't come soon enough but I'm short about $15,000. For those who don't know, these are very serious surgeries. My FFS was a 9 hour ordeal and it took me over a year to fully recover and regain my strength and energy. The BA won't be as bad but anytime you go under, you're taking a risk.
8. Increased chances of stroke, breast cancer and life threatening blood clots- Yep, you read that right. All those estrogen injections play havoc with your health. My odds of one of these happening went way up once I started the female juice.
9. The loss of family, friends and employment- It's a fact that being transsexual negatively impacts ones employment opportunities. Unemployment and under employment is rampant among the T community and if one is unfortunate enough to live somewhere that doesn't have civil rights laws protecting transsexuals, well, you can be fired at will. I'm lucky, I live in a city that has one of the most progressive and far reaching civil rights ordinances and the law is on my side. As for friends and families, log onto any T message board and the stories of mothers, fathers, siblings and children turning their back on T's is heartbreaking.
10. A lifetime alone- I have quite a few transsexual friends who are in wonderful long term relationships and quite a few who are married. I couldn't be happier for all of them but I also know quite a few who end up like me, single with zero prospect of ever finding someone. Dating is incredibly terryfiying for me and I don't know if that will ever change. Perhaps the hardest part is the reaction of men to the desires of a male to female transsexual. So insecure are most men in their sexuality that the "gay" panic sets in. In the rare cases where they are cool dating a transsexual, the same guys live in fear that their friends will find out. As for those who are attracted to women, well, the hardcore feminist that dominate the lesbian world often look down on those of us born with a penis.
I could go on and on but you get the point. Deciding to transiton is a life changing thing and I'm pretty sure that no man in his right mind would actually go through with this were they not totally desperate to become who they really are. You see, despite all of these obstacles and the ones I didn't mention, people like me make this decision everyday, not because we want to, but because we must.