It's Saturday night and as usual, I'm home alone, my only company the sound of nothingness on television and the company of three dogs. The dogs are nice company, they really are, but lets face it, the conversations tend to be rather one sided. This life I have is a very lonely one and it tends to sap whatever appeal for life I have left. Looking back, most of my life has been a simple struggle to survive, a quest to find the energy and need to get out of bed each day and face the world without giving up. So far I've made it and if I had to guess, it's something I'll continue to do, just barely make it.
I do have friends, very special ones at that, but being single, I'm always the odd one out and most of them have reached that point in their lives where they have small children which monopolize their time and rightfully so. I don't begrudge them that and I'm very happy for them and what they are experiencing. Meeting new people at this age is somewhat difficult and for someone shy and timid like me, it's near impossible. I've met a lot of really great people at the new school I'm teaching at but as is often the case, I'm the odd one out. Most of the ones who are my age are immersed in family matters and just don't have time to do the things that I would like to do. Those that don't have those families are so much younger than me that I have absolutely nothing in common with any of them.
All of this results in me being alone most of the time and after a while, it starts to play mind games with me. It's especially mind numbing during the winter months. Though it's getting dark later, it's still way to cold to spend much time outside doing the things I like to do. Once summer comes and the days get long and warm, I'll have my garden and yard to keep me occupied. I'll spend a lot of time outside, playing with the dogs, getting my hands dirty and generally staying busy. But for now, I'm stuck inside trying to keep my mind occupied and the thoughts of despair at bay. Sadly, I'm not being very successful.
I'm ready for this life to be over, of that I'm sure, but desite how much I hate this life, I'm not quite at the point where I'll do something about it. That being said, this is no way to live. Believe me, I'd much rather be happy and basking in the joy of life, but the truth is, I have zero desire to be a part of this world anymore. I'm lonely, sad, disturbed and angry at both the world and myself. I'm still looking for help but at this point, I'm not sure there is anyone out there who can or would do that for me. I'm going to take a break from blogging for a bit, no one wants to be around someone this down, so for the time being, this is it for me.