Saturday Night

It's Saturday night and as usual, I'm home alone, my only company the sound of nothingness on television and the company of three dogs. The dogs are nice company, they really are, but lets face it, the conversations tend to be rather one sided. This life I have is a very lonely one and it tends to sap whatever appeal for life I have left. Looking back, most of my life has been a simple struggle to survive, a quest to find the energy and need to get out of bed each day and face the world without giving up. So far I've made it and if I had to guess, it's something I'll continue to do, just barely make it.

I do have friends, very special ones at that, but being single, I'm always the odd one out and most of them have reached that point in their lives where they have small children which monopolize their time and rightfully so. I don't begrudge them that and I'm very happy for them and what they are experiencing. Meeting new people at this age is somewhat difficult and for someone shy and timid like me, it's near impossible. I've met a lot of really great people at the new school I'm teaching at but as is often the case, I'm the odd one out. Most of the ones who are my age are immersed in family matters and just don't have time to do the things that I would like to do. Those that don't have those families are so much younger than me that I have absolutely nothing in common with any of them.

All of this results in me being alone most of the time and after a while, it starts to play mind games with me. It's especially mind numbing during the winter months. Though it's getting dark later, it's still way to cold to spend much time outside doing the things I like to do. Once summer comes and the days get long and warm, I'll have my garden and yard to keep me occupied. I'll spend a lot of time outside, playing with the dogs, getting my hands dirty and generally staying busy. But for now, I'm stuck inside trying to keep my mind occupied and the thoughts of despair at bay. Sadly, I'm not being very successful.

I'm ready for this life to be over, of that I'm sure, but desite how much I hate this life, I'm not quite at the point where I'll do something about it. That being said, this is no way to live. Believe me, I'd much rather be happy and basking in the joy of life, but the truth is, I have zero desire to be a part of this world anymore. I'm lonely, sad, disturbed and angry at both the world and myself. I'm still looking for help but at this point, I'm not sure there is anyone out there who can or would do that for me. I'm going to take a break from blogging for a bit, no one wants to be around someone this down, so for the time being, this is it for me.


JACQ | March 1, 2009 at 3:15 PM

There comes a time in this life when you need to count your blessings. ALL OF THEM. Count them right now. I know you can do it. Here, I'll do it for you: You still have your mom, and a job you love. Those are two things I do not have, so you have that up on me. You have nature all around you. Clean air to breathe. A beautiful night sky and sunset to look at every night if you choose to. You've traveled and seen much, you have many wonderful experiences under your belt, and you silly sweet dogs who greet you every day and love the hell out of you.


Believe me when I say this. I have come to count my blessings. Over and over, every day. I have to remind myself that I have them. My life isn't all about loss. I've had a pretty good life, when I sit and think of it. I've had the priviledge to experience some fascinating things. I keep journals to write all the stuff that's in my head, and when I'm done with that year, I go back and reread what I wrote. I'm amazed at how much I had grown that year, and how all those opinions are gone.

When I lost my mom there was a HUGE part of me gone. Completely gone. I prayed to God every day to relieve me of this life. I used to want it all to be over. I had even just met Missi then, too. Here I had both Missi and her wonderful daughter Tanner, along with all my other wonderful friends and family to support me, yet inside I already felt dead. I felt resentment for the friends who had families who seemed to go on with their lives and claim to be my 'best friend' all my life, yet not even call me to see how I was. But I didn't think about them. I focused on the ones who did call me to see how I was. I'm not even close to finishing my grieving process, but I was able to talk to therapists from the job I'm in now. I was able to sift through all these things that were inside me, release all that was eating me up, and work through the rest.

The fact that I will be free of all my financial worries by filing bankruptcy gives me hope. I worked for over ten years to make that perfect credit rating and for what? To lose a job and fuck it all up anyway. Everyone deserves a chance to start over, and that's exactly what I'm doing. That is also something you don't have on your plate. So, let's count them down. You have your mother, your wonderful job, AND you aren't filing or on the verge of bankruptcy. However, why is it that I'm still happy and positive and you aren't? I decided to be free of all these worries, insecurities, and negative thoughts, and to embrace only the positive. Yea, the world seems to be falling apart, but doesn't everything get worse before it gets better? YES. IT DOES. And, as an assignment for you, I will insist that you do NOT respond to this comment with a NEGATIVE one. Not in any kind of way.

Get a journal, write down every negative, positive, outrageous or otherwise thought you have and release it. Let it go. You're bringing in bad karma with every negative thought you have. And I know you are a good person. You deserve all the wonderful things life has to offer, and that includes all the LOVE your heart can hold. Embrace the positive and you will see your life change. This I promise you. But you have to dedicate yourself to this. Don't do it half-assed.

We send love and hugs to you. Don't give up. You're worth fighting for!

JACQ | March 1, 2009 at 6:02 PM

Oh...I almost forgot. Another REALLY important blessing. You like where you the live. We HATE where we live. If we were able to make decent livings, it would be bearable. Making a decent living is the key to a lot.

Some Hippie Chick | March 2, 2009 at 11:21 PM

What she said Kelly. Every word of it.

Anonymous | March 4, 2009 at 6:34 AM

Its too bad the asteroid that just missed hitting the earth Monday (3/2/2009) wasn't a little closer. A direct hit might have put an end to this world a little sooner then the slow death we are facing now. Like you, I'm ready for this life to be over.

JACQ | March 4, 2009 at 11:04 PM

All in due time. All in due time. When it's your time to go, you will. But the earth will continue to be here long after any of us are gone. It's been that way for millions of years. Maybe you should curse your parents for giving you life, since you as well don't seem to want it. How sad. So many people lose their lives for no reason, and then you have others with life who waste it on negativity. Pathetic. Peace Out.

Kelly | March 5, 2009 at 10:23 AM

Tough love Jacq, I like it. I'm doing a bit better, off to see my therapist in a few minutes.

JACQ | March 5, 2009 at 9:44 PM

Damn skippy woman, and don't you forget it! If you really want to cheer yourself up, you should've gone roller skating with us tonight. I feel on my ass twice. My arm is hurting something fierce as I type this. Holy shit am I getting old. Or maybe, just out of shape.

Glad to know you went to see a therapist. I went to see one not long after my mom died, because I was having some horrible thoughts. Good thing I'm too much of a wuss to do anything about it.

Hang in there.

nexy | March 5, 2009 at 10:34 PM

i've spent a large part of my life alone. and that includes the 12 year nightmare that was my first marriage. i know what it feels like to have no hope, to be alone, to have few friends, and to be the odd one out. fortunately, you never know when things will turn around. they did for me.

that said, i've done pretty much everything i wanted to accomplish in my life. while i'm enjoying my life now, if it ended, and i met my maker, i'd be able to say that i'm ok with how things ended up.

and say what you will about the limited conversations you can have with pets, but my best friend of all time was my cat sheba, who i still miss to this day, and still shed tears over her loss.