When I mapped out my plan with my therapist and Mom, it was decided that the most important surgery, as far as functioning in society was concerned, had to be facial feminization surgery. It was the one surgery that we deemed necessary if I were to keep my job as a teacher. It's been nearly two years since I underwent almost 9 hours of facial cosmetic surgery with Dr. Zukowski in Chicago. At the time, it seemed like a really good idea but as time has gone by, we've all pretty much come to the conclusion that things just didn't work out they way we had hoped and been led to believe. I certainly don't questions Dr. Z's surgical ability, I've seen some simply amazing results, but for whatever reason, it just didn't work with me and in hindsight, it was a bit of a waste of money.
Now don't get me wrong, the facial surgery did do some good things, my face is certainly softer and more feminine than it was before but the results certainly didn't justify the cost. I've tried to put it all behind me and move on with my life but the truth is, I'm still very bitter and extremely disappointed about how things turned out. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to get totally over it, I have to stare at that face everytime I see a mirror, but somehow I've got to get on with things and somehow move forward. This of course brings me to my next surgery.
I've been trying to save as much as possible but it sometimes seems that I'm in a bit over my head and it often feels like I'm getting nowhere. I want the gender reassignment surgery so bad and yet it seems like it will never happen. Being born in the wrong body is a horribe curse, one that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemies, and to have to keep living with a penis is just about unbearable. It's a constant reminder of who I am and how I was born. I've done everything I could to make the most of things, I've been on hormones for years, had the FFS and am living full time as female but the fact is, everytime I take a shower, put on clothes or lay in bed, I can't help but notice what is there and isn't there.
Now I know that when it comes down to it, what is between our ears is a lot more important than what is betweern our legs but I just can't escape the feeling of not being whole. I never should have been born a boy, my brain and soul were always 100% female, and as a result, I have to have this surgery. How it will happen is beyond me but happen it must, especially if I want to keep my sanity.