3 Years

Three years ago today, I was undergoing around 7 hours of surgery on my face. I don't remember much about that day, my last clear thoughts were of sitting in a chair and taking a pill to calm me down, but not a day has since gone by that I haven't thought of it. At the time, my Mother and I were totally convinced that we were doing the right thing and that it would be money well spent. We had confidence in Dr. Zukowski and believed that we had very realistic expectation so of how things would turn out. In short, it was a life changing event and for the better. Or so we thought.

Three years later, it remains the single biggest regret and mistake of my life. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about what a horrible mistake I made that sunny June afternoon. When Mom and I drove north to Chicago two days earlier, we were both a bit nervous but also pretty excited. I honestly had no illusions of greatness and to this day, I stand by my conviction that I had realistic expectations. I had viewed countless photographs of previous patients, talked to as many former patients as possible and done as much research as was humanly possible. I knew what I was getting into and what to expect.

Only what happened was as far from what I expected as could possibly be. Do I look different? Sure I do and if there has been one benefit it is that I do look younger, but the bad things have far outweighed the good. Three years out I'm still in a bit of pain, nothing severe, but a constant dull ached that reminds me of what happened. My nose drips continuously in the winter and stays clogged in the summer. I get nosebleeds for no apparent reason. My forehead feels tight and plastic. I still have damaged tissue lumps under my chin and jaw. The scar from my trachea shave looks horrible and it's almost impossible to smile.

As if that weren't enough, the whole point of the surgery was to make my face appear more feminine, something it hasn't done. When I look at pictures of some of his other patients, friends I have made online, I just want to cry as I don't understand what happened with me. Several of them are quite stunning and my results are in no way comparable to what they got.

It's all enough to make me wonder what the hell happened. By all accounts, the surgery went well and I made a pretty good recovery. Mom and I followed all of the post-surgery instructions and I've been back for several small touch ups and revisions. Still, for whatever reason, it just didn't work. I could live with that if that were the only concern, but the physical discomfort and pain have simply been too much to bear.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish I could undo all of this, go back in time and not have this surgery. I so badly want my old face back, the sensation of being able to smile, move my skin and be free of pain. When I look in the mirror, all I want to do is smash it to pieces, so filled with rage to I become. I hate Dr. Z for what he did to me and I hate myself even more for what I did. There are often times when I wish that I had died on that operating table, so miserable has this all made me. Alas, I did survive and now I must live with what I have wrought.

4 comments:

konagod | June 5, 2010 at 1:11 PM

You and I are so much alike...dwelling on the mistakes of the past and obsessing over how much we want to go back and make it right again.

I am assuming you have discussed your feelings with Dr. Z. What does he say about it? Just about anything can be fixed and not sure why he can't or won't do something. You know, customer satisfaction and all that shit.

It's not like you are 95% satisfied and are pissed off because you didn't achieve 100% perfection.

If money were no object, would you go through another similar ordeal if it would fix just the pain and not much else?

nexy | June 7, 2010 at 8:56 PM

if any good came out of your experience, it would be this - i have often considered additional surgeries as the only one i've had was srs. i've considered a nose job, other facial surgeries, even breast enhancement. but as i learned from my srs experience, i do not do well with surgery. that, in conjunction with your experience, has convinced me that i will not have any additional surgeries. thank you for sharing your experience, so that others, like myself, can benefit from them.

{{{{{{{hugz}}}}}}}

Anonymous T-Girl | June 26, 2010 at 10:14 AM

i'm so sorry hon.

There are several people that have told me corrections are possible. But they never seem to take into account the fear of going under again after something like that. Much less the mounting cost.

My story is pretty much the same as Nex. If i had the money, i've wondered about a nose job or something. But after hearing your story i'm very unsure.

You will be the first person i go to for advice if i ever do. i'm unfamiliar with any FFS surgeons or their work, including yours.

Jessica Taylor | May 2, 2017 at 11:13 PM

Why is it that you've never posted photos of the damage that was done to you? It would not only be a warning to others but a service to them as well. If it saves even one person from making the same mistake, it's worth it. Without pictures, you leave the reader wondering if you're actually an injured client, or just delusional. I personally know more than one of the Doctor's patients and they all have nothing but positive things to relay. Does this mean you weren't injured? Of course not....but I and I'm sure others would love to see the results that you received. If not, and you're not interested in showing them, you should also not be interested in creating defamatory posts without corroborating evidence. I wish you well. But I also wish you to be totally transparent. For your integrity and others benefit. Best, Lisa