Hi Chris,
I know you guys are probably sick of me but I just feel that I need to figure out a way to reach some level of satisfaction. Next week will be 11 months post-op for me and as the one year anniversary quickly approaches, I still can't help but feel so disappointed and so discouraged over how things have turned out. I honestly believe that based upon my initial consultation with Dr. Zuckowski and conversations with prior patients, that I had realistic expectations and yet I can only come to the conclusion that the results of my surgery last summer have been far from satisfactory. The physical complications continue to be a real problem. I cannot stress enough how much discomfort I still find myself in. I can't make a full smile anymore, my face feels like it's been stretched to the point of tearing and I continue to have pain with regards to the cheek implants. I've done everything expected of me since the surgery and based upon conversations with others, what I am experiencing is not normal.
As far as the outcome of my surgery with regards to appearance, well, it just keeps nagging at me that after spending nearly $30,000 I have so very little to show for it. I have spent a small fortune on image consultants, hair stylist, makeovers and clothing and yet I still look male in the face. I've discussed this with friends, family, my therapist and my endocrinologist and when pressed for an honest response, all have said that they just don't see much difference. I know that FFS is not a cure all for "passing" but Dr. Z makes a point of how good his results are with regards to giving patients a more feminine appearance. That clearly did not happen in my case, not even close. Again, I'm not trying to be a pain, but it bears repeating that my experience with regards to my surgery has been an utter disappointment and without a doubt, the biggest regret of my life.
I guess what I'm looking for is an answer as to why things have turned out so poorly. I can't help but feel cheated based upon what Dr. Z told me before my surgery. I also want a solution to the physical problems that have dogged me these past 11 months. I hope this isn't asking too much. I look forward to hearing from Dr. Z and I hope that he can address my concerns.
Best,
Kelly
Who Am I Kidding?
It's turning into one of those weeks where I begin to have serious doubts about myself. As I've been doing research with regards to SRS, I've come across a lot of blogs that feature girls who have also had facial feminization surgery. Without fail, all of them have had far better results than I had. It's depressing and it makes me so angry. I always considered that surgery the most important one and I still feel the same way, but now, nearly a year later, I still find myself wondering what in the hell happened to me. Why did it turn out to be such a fucking disaster? Why were the results of my surgery so much worse than nearly all of his other patients? I know it's self-pity and I hate feeling this way, but I had such high hopes and to see them totally dashed just hurts like you cannot believe.
More later as right now I'm just too upset.
More later as right now I'm just too upset.
Smoking In Front of the Building
It never seems fair to me, but it appears to be a fact of life, people who smoke get more breaks than those who don't.
Derby Week
The big race is this Saturday and the Derby Festival is in full swing. Not much gets done around these parts this time of the year. Yesterday was the Great Balloon Race, Mini-Marathon and Full Marathon and today featured several smaller events. Still ahead: The Run for the Rose, Derby Festival Hole in One Contest, Great Steamboat Race, the Pegasus Parade and Kentucky Oaks. It's usually a fun week and I always look forward to it. Party On!
Mixed Emotions and Does That Make Me Less Authentic?
On the one hand, I'm pretty sure that once I have my surgery, I'll want to somehow have a boyfriend but I still can't shake the feeling that women sometimes totally do it for me. I'm still totally smitten with Melissa, this woman that I work with, and last night I had really strange dreams about her. They weren't bad or anything like that, not even R-rated, but even after waking up several times, she kept popping back into my mind. There's no chance of anything happening and yet everytime I see her, my heart skips a beat and I get all hot inside. Everything about her seems to be wonderful and I know that she and I are and will be friends, but dammit, I would give just about anything to have just a small chance at going out with her, she's that awesome. My question then becomes, does this make me sense of being female less authentic?
Becoming Whole and How in the Hell am I Going to Pay for it?
I've started to really research the different SRS surgeons and it kind of has me in a funk. It's not cheap and I'm pretty sure that having it done in this country is pretty much an impossibility. That leaves Thailand of course and in some ways, it's pretty doable. I know several girls who have flown across the Pacific to have the surgery and all were very pleased with the results and the outstanding care they received. It's not the great bargain it used to be but compared to what's available here, it's still pretty cheap. Right now, I have about $2400 saved up but things are going to be pretty tight going forward. I'm pretty sure that by next summer it might be possible to come up with the funds for surgery and hospital expenses, but then what do I do about hotel and living expenses while I'm over there for a month?
Further complicating matters is the worry that by next summer, air travel will have become so expensive that only the rich can afford to fly. I fully expect oil to be selling for upwards of $200 a barrel next year, making air travel something that people in my financial bracket simply won't be able to afford. Add it all up and it sometimes seems just overwhelming and simply undoable. I'm not ready to give up just yet, far from it, but I recognize that it won't be easy and that each year I have to wait, makes it that much more expensive.
There was a time when I wasn't sure that I actually ever needed to have this surgery, I thought that maybe just living as a girl would be enough, but the further I go, the more it becomes clear that I NEED to have this surgery. As I've talked with the girls that have had it done, all of them, without fail, say it was the best thing they ever did. Having plumbing and electricity that works would mean the world to me and I dream about the day it becomes a reality. As a small kid, I use to climb up into trees and rub myself against the branches hoping that it would cause my penis to fall off. When taking a bath, I would always cover it up with a wash cloth so that I wouldn't be forced to stare at. In short, I never wanted it and that hasn't changed with time.
Further complicating matters is the worry that by next summer, air travel will have become so expensive that only the rich can afford to fly. I fully expect oil to be selling for upwards of $200 a barrel next year, making air travel something that people in my financial bracket simply won't be able to afford. Add it all up and it sometimes seems just overwhelming and simply undoable. I'm not ready to give up just yet, far from it, but I recognize that it won't be easy and that each year I have to wait, makes it that much more expensive.
There was a time when I wasn't sure that I actually ever needed to have this surgery, I thought that maybe just living as a girl would be enough, but the further I go, the more it becomes clear that I NEED to have this surgery. As I've talked with the girls that have had it done, all of them, without fail, say it was the best thing they ever did. Having plumbing and electricity that works would mean the world to me and I dream about the day it becomes a reality. As a small kid, I use to climb up into trees and rub myself against the branches hoping that it would cause my penis to fall off. When taking a bath, I would always cover it up with a wash cloth so that I wouldn't be forced to stare at. In short, I never wanted it and that hasn't changed with time.
Number One
As my transition continues and now moves into the final stage, I've started to reflect on things that I'll miss about being a guy. I don't really want to get into all of that right now, there is time for that later, but I'm pretty confident that once all is said and done, what I'll miss the most is peeing standing up. It's one of those fundamental differences between men and women and it's one that men have the advantage in. It's especially useful when using a public restroom, or God forbid, a port o potty, but it's also just easier. Now nothing is stopping me from still doing it the old fashioned way, I still do at home from time to time, but it's a pretty dead giveaway in the ladies room. I'll have to come up with a list in the next few days, one focusing on what I already miss and one focusing on what I might miss once the transition is complete. I do want to reiterate however that I will not miss said penis.
Living
With the job now secure, there is nothing holding me back from finishing this transition. It's been over two weeks since I did anything but Kelly and I'm loving every single minute of it. Being able to finally let it all go and totally immerse myself in this brave new world is perhaps the most rewarding thing I've ever experienced. It's better than I ever could have imagined and while I still have a lot to learn, I'm getting there and each day is easier than the one before. I've now set my sights on my next goal and that's somehow coming up with the money tto pay for sex reassingment surgery. Having a penis is incredibly disconcerting and just knowing that it is there is enough to make me ill. It needs to go and soon.
Second on my list of things to do is get a boyfriend. You see, I might not like having the male genitalia, but that doesn't mean I'm not totally intrigued by those who do. Penis on me is bad, penis on a boyfriend, good! Does that make me a bad girl?
Second on my list of things to do is get a boyfriend. You see, I might not like having the male genitalia, but that doesn't mean I'm not totally intrigued by those who do. Penis on me is bad, penis on a boyfriend, good! Does that make me a bad girl?
Danica WIns
The girl just won her first race in the Indy Racing League, beating Helio Castroneves to the checkered flag at Twin Ring Motegi in Japan. She becomes the first woman to win a major series race and it does wonders for the series publicity. Way to go Danica, way to go. There are a lot of women (and men) out there who have been rooting for you and we are so proud. Can't wait to see you at Indy for the 500.
33 Questions About Sex
Why not?
1. HAVE YOU GOTTEN LAID IN 2008?
Sadly no.
2. EVER HAD SEX IN A PUBLIC PLACE?
Not sex technically, but messing around in a big way.
3. EVER LAUGH DURING SEX?
Of course, all you have to do is see yourself in a mirror having sex. It's usually funny or scary looking.
4. EVER CRY DURING SEX?
Nope.
5. DO YOU LIKE TO CUDDLE AFTER SEX?
I'm lucky if I can stay awake for 10 minutes afterwards.
6. EVER REGRET SEX WITH SOMEONE?
Seriously?
7. EVER FAKED AN ORGASM?
Should I?
8. DIRTY TALK, OR SHUT THE FUCK UP?
I've got quite the potty mouth when need be.
9. EVER HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX?
Afraid so and more times than I care to admit.
10. EVER MASTURBATE TO YOUR FRIEND'S SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
That would just be too creepy, though thoughts of friends have entered the mind many, many times.
11. EVER HAVE A ONE NIGHT STAND?
Yes, one week before she got married. Guess she needed to get it out of her system and I was happy to oblige as it was pretty dirty sex.
12. EVER HAVE A THREESOME?
No, but it's on my list of things to do. The only concern would be with who. Do you go with two other girls, two guys or a girl and a guy? Of course, I wouldn't complain about any of them.
13. EVER WATCH PORN DURING SEX?
Absolutely.
14. EVER THOUGHT OF SOMEONE ELSE DURING SEX?
I'm ashamed to say it, but yes I have.
15. HAS THE CONDOM EVER BROKE(N)?
No.
16. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING SEXUAL EXPERIENCE?
Called the significant other by the wrong name once. Never a good thing, never.
17. HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU LOST YOUR VIRGINITY?
Too old, that's all I'm saying.
18. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH RIGHT NOW?
I can think of several people but Melissa comes to mind most.
19. DO YOU THINK THAT NUMBER 18 IS POSSIBLE?
Never say never.
20. ARE YOU HORNY NOW?
Not really.
21. DO YOU KISS DURING SEX?
I love kissing.
22. DO YOU LIKE SEX IN THE CAR?
Very uncomfortable.
23. DO YOU STILL TALK TO THE PERSON YOU LOST VIRGINITY TO?
Nope, haven't seen her in a long, long time.
24. EVER HAVE SEX WITH A RELATIVE/FRIENDS SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
Ah, no!
25. EVER BEEN WITH A CHEATER?
Yes, but I've never been the cheater.
26. TOYS, GOOD OR BAD?
She who dies with the most toys wins.
27. LINGERIE?
I don't know about that though I would love to dress up as Catholic school girl seeing as how most guys kinda dig that.
28. EVER SLEEP WITH A CO-WORKER?
Six of them.
29. PUT AN "X" WHERE YOU HAVE HAD SEX:
[ ] park
[ ] church parking lot
[ ] cemetery
[X] school
[X ] parent’s bed
[X] your bed
[X] car
[ ] picnic table
[X] kitchen counter
[X] couch/chair
[ ] dining room/kitchen table
[ ] woods
[ ] hood of a car
[X] bathroom
[X] shower
[X] the other person’s bed
[ ] porch/deck/balcony
[X] garage, basement
[ ] in the street/ally
[X] in a house with parents home
[X] at a party
[ ] on top of the washer/dryer
[ ] with other people in the room
[X] hotel
[ ] concert
[ ] grandparent’s house
[ ] field
[ ] bleachers
[ ] beach
[ ] city bus
[ ] Pool Table
[ ] movie theater
[ ] tractor
[ ] truck
[ ] hay barn
[ ] cow pasture
[ ] in the mud
[ ] boat
[ ] on a massage table
30. Ever have sex with someone of the same sex?
As a guy, I never even thought about having sex with a guy. Once I began transition I began to wonder where all the hot guys came from. I'm still primarily attracted to women but I'd love to have sex with a guy, but only once I get southern surery.
31. Ever give oral sex? Get oral sex?
It's my favorite thing to do in the whole world. I think doing it for a guy would be pretty amazing as well. As for getting it, many times for that too.
32. Ever do the backdoor?
Not technically, but lots of play around there.
33. Who was the best?
Her name was Debbie and she rocked my world. I still have scars on my back from the all the scratches. She once told me, no kidding, that "in public I'm a total lady but in the bedroom I'm a whore." That was all I needed to know.
1. HAVE YOU GOTTEN LAID IN 2008?
Sadly no.
2. EVER HAD SEX IN A PUBLIC PLACE?
Not sex technically, but messing around in a big way.
3. EVER LAUGH DURING SEX?
Of course, all you have to do is see yourself in a mirror having sex. It's usually funny or scary looking.
4. EVER CRY DURING SEX?
Nope.
5. DO YOU LIKE TO CUDDLE AFTER SEX?
I'm lucky if I can stay awake for 10 minutes afterwards.
6. EVER REGRET SEX WITH SOMEONE?
Seriously?
7. EVER FAKED AN ORGASM?
Should I?
8. DIRTY TALK, OR SHUT THE FUCK UP?
I've got quite the potty mouth when need be.
9. EVER HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX?
Afraid so and more times than I care to admit.
10. EVER MASTURBATE TO YOUR FRIEND'S SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
That would just be too creepy, though thoughts of friends have entered the mind many, many times.
11. EVER HAVE A ONE NIGHT STAND?
Yes, one week before she got married. Guess she needed to get it out of her system and I was happy to oblige as it was pretty dirty sex.
12. EVER HAVE A THREESOME?
No, but it's on my list of things to do. The only concern would be with who. Do you go with two other girls, two guys or a girl and a guy? Of course, I wouldn't complain about any of them.
13. EVER WATCH PORN DURING SEX?
Absolutely.
14. EVER THOUGHT OF SOMEONE ELSE DURING SEX?
I'm ashamed to say it, but yes I have.
15. HAS THE CONDOM EVER BROKE(N)?
No.
16. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING SEXUAL EXPERIENCE?
Called the significant other by the wrong name once. Never a good thing, never.
17. HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU LOST YOUR VIRGINITY?
Too old, that's all I'm saying.
18. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH RIGHT NOW?
I can think of several people but Melissa comes to mind most.
19. DO YOU THINK THAT NUMBER 18 IS POSSIBLE?
Never say never.
20. ARE YOU HORNY NOW?
Not really.
21. DO YOU KISS DURING SEX?
I love kissing.
22. DO YOU LIKE SEX IN THE CAR?
Very uncomfortable.
23. DO YOU STILL TALK TO THE PERSON YOU LOST VIRGINITY TO?
Nope, haven't seen her in a long, long time.
24. EVER HAVE SEX WITH A RELATIVE/FRIENDS SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
Ah, no!
25. EVER BEEN WITH A CHEATER?
Yes, but I've never been the cheater.
26. TOYS, GOOD OR BAD?
She who dies with the most toys wins.
27. LINGERIE?
I don't know about that though I would love to dress up as Catholic school girl seeing as how most guys kinda dig that.
28. EVER SLEEP WITH A CO-WORKER?
Six of them.
29. PUT AN "X" WHERE YOU HAVE HAD SEX:
[ ] park
[ ] church parking lot
[ ] cemetery
[X] school
[X ] parent’s bed
[X] your bed
[X] car
[ ] picnic table
[X] kitchen counter
[X] couch/chair
[ ] dining room/kitchen table
[ ] woods
[ ] hood of a car
[X] bathroom
[X] shower
[X] the other person’s bed
[ ] porch/deck/balcony
[X] garage, basement
[ ] in the street/ally
[X] in a house with parents home
[X] at a party
[ ] on top of the washer/dryer
[ ] with other people in the room
[X] hotel
[ ] concert
[ ] grandparent’s house
[ ] field
[ ] bleachers
[ ] beach
[ ] city bus
[ ] Pool Table
[ ] movie theater
[ ] tractor
[ ] truck
[ ] hay barn
[ ] cow pasture
[ ] in the mud
[ ] boat
[ ] on a massage table
30. Ever have sex with someone of the same sex?
As a guy, I never even thought about having sex with a guy. Once I began transition I began to wonder where all the hot guys came from. I'm still primarily attracted to women but I'd love to have sex with a guy, but only once I get southern surery.
31. Ever give oral sex? Get oral sex?
It's my favorite thing to do in the whole world. I think doing it for a guy would be pretty amazing as well. As for getting it, many times for that too.
32. Ever do the backdoor?
Not technically, but lots of play around there.
33. Who was the best?
Her name was Debbie and she rocked my world. I still have scars on my back from the all the scratches. She once told me, no kidding, that "in public I'm a total lady but in the bedroom I'm a whore." That was all I needed to know.
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