The "L" Word (Yes, that L word)

When I first became sexually aware, I immediately took a liking to the girls. I knew in my heart, soul and mind that I wasn't really a boy, but at the very same time, I just didn't find males all that attractive. No, what I prefered were girls and that meant immersing myself in their world. I've always, ever since early elementary school, prefered the company of girls and just felt way more comfortable around them. I had friends who were boys but I always seemed to have such a very hard time of relating to what it was that I was supposed to do with them. Throughout high school, most of my friends were girls and that mostly carried over to college where I first began to feel that maybe if I found the right one, I would somehow be okay with being a boy.

If memory serves, and I think it does, I had five girlfriends during college, one of whom I dated for over two years (In an ironic twist, Cathy went through a phase, many years after she and I broke up, in which she dated only girls). A couple of those relationships were rather forgetable but two of them really meant something to me. To this day, I'm great friends with one of them and I'm glad that she stayed in my life. As much as I did like and enjoy those relationships, the fact is, they were always a bit strained, perhaps due to me having more of an interest in what was in their closet than inside their pants, but I digress. During most of my 20's, I seldom went more than a few months without either a girlfriend or a steady source of nookie. It wasn't that I was needy or addicted to having a girlfriend, it's just that it felt good being around women all the time.

My last serious relationship lasted over three years and from time to time, we did talk about getting married, even living together for two of those three years. In the end, we both realized that we pretty much hated each other and went our separate ways. Today, Valarie lives in California, which isn't quite far enough away for me. A couple of other small time relationships followed but pretty much that was it, though not by choice. In August of 2001, the woman of my dreams walked into my life and in the very instant that my eyes took her in, I knew that I had met the one woman who I could honestly spend the rest of my life with.

I fell head over heals in love with her and for several years, I kept my feelings for her to myself. It wasn't until some friends held a sort of intervention that I felt compelled to act and one fateful night in October of 2003, I told her how I felt. I laid it all out there and hoped against hope that she would leave her no good boyfriend and see that I was the one for her. It didn't happen and the next year or so was spent in a funk of epic proportions. For the life of me, I couldn't understand why things didn't work out. She and I seemed perfect for each other and I really did love her with all of my heart. It's pretty safe to say that I'll go to my grave still feeling a bit of love for her. She and I are today the best of friends and even though I don't see her as much as I would like, I'm so glad that she's still a part of my life.

When I decided to begin transition, I made a decision to stay out of the dating scene, more out of fear of rejection than anything else, but it also seemed like the best way to move forward. When I was given my first prescription for estrogen, I knew that my life would never be the same and it was a really big step towards becoming Kelly. I knew that there was a very real possiblity that for the first time in my life, I would become sexually attracted to men. I was totally okay with that and to tell the truth, there was a part of me that hoped it would happen. For some reason, becoming attracted to men made the whole thing seem more authentic. I freely admit that from time to time, I'll see a guy and think "I woulnd't mind shacking up with that."

As I said in an earlier post, I do have a strong sense of curiosity about what it would be like to have sex with a man as a woman. It's something that I wouldn't pass up if the right guy came along, but it isn't anything that's going to happen as long as I have my current equipment. For some, that might pose a problem, a sense of confusion on my part perhaps, but it's only natural that someone like me would be curious to find out what it is like to be sexually satisfied by a man. The problem only really comes into light when you finally realize that what I really, really want is not a boyfriend but a girlfriend. Now it's not really a problem per se, but it does create quite a conundrum for moving forward.

TO BE CONTINUED.............