A couple of things that I've read in the past couple of things have made my mind race as I've contemplated each of them. First up is a piece about a Female to Male Transsexual who has come to the conclusion that transition was a big mistake. The second was a story out about therapy designed to keep someone from transitioning, specifically children. Let's tackle the former topic tonight and the later tomorrow:
Was transition a mistake?
Q: Oh my God! I just don't know what I am going to do. I think I have
made a huge mistake and I don't know what to do about it. I saw a TV
program the other night about people that had transgendered and then
decided to go back to their original gender. Well, I couldn't believe
that there was any one else out there like me. I, too, feel like I
made a big mistake by having a gender change. I was born female and
always thought I wanted to be a boy and also believed I would be
happier if I were one. I truly thought that God had made a mistake
A little background: I got married right out of high school, had two
children, and then the marriage ended in a divorce. Actually, I
started dressing like a male a lot when I was in my late teens, but it
wasn't until about five years ago that I made the decision to
transition - that was after my divorce. I started taking hormones and
started dressing and living as a male.
I lived as a male for two years and then decided to come out to my
family. My parents weren't too hot on the idea but they weren't really
surprised, either. They have been sort of supportive, but we are not
really as close as we once were. My aunt has been an angel, supporting
me in whatever makes me happy. My children were young when I started
living as a male and it didn't seem to bother them to call me "daddy"
instead of "mommy." My ex has been supportive of my continuing to have
custody of my children; I have been so grateful for that.
I was in therapy during the whole time that I was going through the
transition two years ago. At that time, I decided to have the surgery
to make all my parts match my gender. This was very expensive as well
as difficult, but I felt it was important to have this done to feel
like a man. It took a long time to recover but I felt it would be
worth it. I have lived a gay life style as I am physically attracted
to men, not women.
My family has all accepted me as a male; my kids think I am their dad;
my boss and co workers have no ideas about my sex change (I started
working there after the surgery). My life and friends are in the gay
community. I don't know if I can continue living as a man. I want to
be a woman again, but I don't know how to make the change back. I also
have no breasts, and I have a penis and can't afford more surgery. Who
is going to want me? Help. What do I do?
Wrong Body, Again
You can click here to read the reply but I thought I would weigh in on this since it's something that crosses my mind almost daily. In my case, I waited till my mid-30's to begin transition, my desire being to make sure I was doing the right thing. Unlike this woman, I haven't had all the surgeries though I have had the facial surgery. The years of hormone therapy have taken their toll and in many ways, feminized my body. I've developed breasts, I'm most likely sterile and my equipment is but a mere reflection of it's former self. Still, despite the hormones and facial surgery, I have no doubt that I could instantly go back to living as Greg and no one that doesn't know me would never suspect a thing. I'm sure it's not that way for her and that's a big problem.
When one scans the bookshelves of any major bookstore, you are almost guaranteed to come across a half dozen or more memoirs about successful transitions. What you won't find are books about those who crossed over and then regretted the decision. Hell, finding such things on the internet is hard as well. Now I'm pretty sure that this doesn't mean that there isn't a large number of people who have transitioned and regretted it, it's just that most people don't want to admit to either failure or having made a colossal mistake. As a result, one has very few resources to learn about what to do when things go terribly wrong.
I strongly believe that before anyone has GRS, they should make 100% sure that this is what they need to do. If there is any doubt, any whatsoever, people should not have this surgery. Aside from the financial issue, the main reason I haven't done or plan to do GRS is is that I'm not sure I really want or need to do it. Transition has been a struggle for me since day one and while I'm generally happy, the deeper truth is, I often wish that this was a road I hadn't taken. I'm not ready to give up just yet but I would be lying if I were to say that I don't think about going back almost everyday. As miserable as I was living as a guy, in hindsight, it was still better than how my life is now.
Part of that feelilng obviously stems from my utter disappointment in the results of my FFS. The pain that I endure daily is a reminder of what I've done and likely something that will be with me forever. It made absolutely zero difference in my appearance and is the biggest mistake of my life. I'm very bitter about it and perhaps that has clouded my feelings towards transition. Regardless, things just aren't that much better as Kelly as they were as Greg. I gave up so much and while I think that my expectations were realistic and grounded, it just hasn't been worth it, not in the least.
So, will I decide to go back like the woman in the article? Right now, I'd put the odds at about 50/50. The only real reason that it's that low is that I would just be unable to face my friends or family again. They've all been so supportive of me and I just don't know that could ever be comfortable living around them. I know that's a shitty reason to keep being Kelly but it's the main thing keeping me in this life and not going back to my old life. Regardless, I can't really do anything until the end of this current school year. After missing this past week due to the massive power outages, that won't be till June 1st, and until then, I'm stuck being Kelly.