What Looks Back When I Look in the Mirror

I've been home from work all week with a very bad back and thus my mind has had plenty of time to wander. Tonight, I started pouring through all of the pictures I have stored on iPhoto when I came across a picture of me that was taken nearly 2 years ago. I pulled up a rather recent photo to compare and contrast and when I did, I started to cry. I've been disappointed with my facial feminization surgery since day one but when I look back all these months later, I'm even more disappointed and even a bit angry. I spent nearly $30,000 and wasted a whole summer trying to recover. I'm still feeling pain throughout my face and even now, I've still got a lot of swelling and at least one very ugly scar.

So, was it worth it? Not even for a second. I've done a few stupid things in my life but having this surgery totally takes the cake. Going in, I had very high hopes for how things would turn out, Dr. Z has done some amazing work and everyone I talked to thought I was doing the right thing. When I get online and see pics of the girls he's worked on, I wonder what in the hell went wrong. It's not that the results were bad, I'm not hideous or anything, it's that results were such a letdown based upon what I was led to expect. Dr. Z promised me that after surgery, I would be able to pass without makeup and that he guaranteed I would look great. Well, I don't come close to passing, not by a longshot, and thus I can't help but feel so underwhelmed and utterly disappointed.


Anonymous | September 15, 2008 at 12:27 AM

I'm going to share with you.

It might take a year for your face swelling to go down. Hard massage it every day.

If you're only three months past surgery, its par for the course. You're just getting started on healing.

I don't know why you aren't passing, but its possible it could be other physical features. Do you have someone you could ask to give you honest feedback?

Kelly | September 15, 2008 at 12:40 PM

This isn't three months post surgery, it's 15 months post-surgery. It's been a total disaster in everyway.

nexy | September 15, 2008 at 1:00 PM

like anon, i don't know why you're not passing either. and while i can understand why you're disappointed with the surgical results, you do not look like a guy by any stretch of the imagination. at least based on those pics.

Anonymous | September 15, 2008 at 8:04 PM

Like I said..it could be a number of things. Body shape, size, height, gait; they are all gender cues that need to match up all the time.

Can you have someone video you while you move and interact with people (that don't know you).

I can say with a high degree of certainty that your face looks female, at least from the front angle. Is there something in your side profile thats not?

Kelly | September 20, 2008 at 10:31 PM

Regardless, I'm seriously considering calling it quits. I miss my old life, it was easier, less stressful and maybe even happier.