I Hope I Didn't Disappoint Him

Whenever I look at my old baby pictures, I find myself staring into the eyes of a little boy who had his whole life in front of him. Those eyes were so full of life and I just can't help but wonder if somehow I haven't disappointed him in who I became and how I've lived my life. I know that this might sound strange, having this seemingly disconnect from reality, but when I look at those pictures, I just want to feel as if I did good, that the little boy staring back at me would be proud of how things turned out.

I've tried very hard to live a good life, to be a good person and make the most of this thing called life. Aside from a few typical teenage setbacks, I think I've done pretty good. I had a loving family that did it's best to give me every opportunity to succeed in life. I went to college, graduated only a semester late, sought out excitement and adventure in the years that followed and along the way found my calling in life. I bought a home, went to graduate school and graduated first in my class, got a job I love and for the past seven years, I have done everything in my power to make the lives of those most in need somewhat better.

I've been kind and supportive to all my friends, adored my family and everything they stand for. I'm kind to animals, devoted to my pets and my word is as good as it gets. I fight for causes that are just and believe in social justice, equality and peace. I'm well read, interested in art and appreciate some of the sillier things in life. In short, I've done a lot of amazing things and when I look back, I really have very few regrets. I still have a lot of life ahead of me and hopefully I'll find a way to make it meaningful.

I've done the best I could and I hope that little boy knows that I've done everything I could to make him proud.

I Wonder

I sometimes wonder if I don't have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I've been constantly tired for as long as I can remember, certainly since high school and no matter what I do, I just can't shake this constant feeling of sleep depravation and fatigue. Reading the signs and symptoms, I seem to have most of them. I'm not saying I do, what would be the chances of being diagnosed with two things as rare as this and Gender Identity Disorder, but I just can't help but feel that something isn't right.

Random Talk

1. The Democratic Primary will be over this time next Tuesday and Barrack Obama will be our candidate. Even Kos agrees with me (or could be the other way around).

2. I think what is so exciting about Obama's campaign is that we are truly witnessing a whole new way of campaigning. Howard Dean started it in 2004, but Obama has brought people powered politics to a whole new level. I especially like that he is building a 50 state strategy. He knows he won't win all the Red States, but does realize that there are a lot of Democrats further down the ticket who have a good chance to win. The more allies he has in Congress, the better chance he has to get his agenda enacted. Why not share a little with the man himself.

3. What liberal media? Another reason why I stopped watching cable news and quit reading the paper. The only way to find out what's happening in the world is online.

4. Another example of why the police in this country cannot be trusted. They are thugs and trigger happy.

5. I love Post Secret, it's one of the most delicious websites around. People confess a lot of strange stuff on there, but this one takes the cake:



6. I'll admit that Americans are way overmedicated, but to say that antidepressants don't work is a bit foolish. I can't function without them, though I know others who saw no help so who knows.

7. For those who have never visited, RedOrbit is one of the coolest sites around, especially if you like science, technology and photography. The picture below shows the snow cover around the Great Lakes last week. Notice that Lake Erie, the shallowest of the Great Lakes, is frozen over, cutting off the lake affect snow machine for Ohio and Pennsylvania.

Click image for a full size view.

8. I totally agree with Natalie Portman. They are spectacular.

Because I Don't Need Anymore Mayhem in My Life

Who can resist a game of tag with Jacq:

1. WHO WERE YOU NAMED AFTER?
My birth name was Gregory William Armstrong. The William was my Dad's middle name and they just liked the name Gregory. My new name is Kelly Joann Armstrong and that's the name they had picked out had I been born with the right parts. Kelly was just a name that they liked and Joann was the middle name of my Aunt, my Mom's sister.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Last night as I went to bed.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
It's so bad that not even I can decipher it most of the time.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Roast Beef.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Only the four legged kind. Woof Woof!

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
I hope so.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
Never.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS ?
Gone since 1980.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Absolutely.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Since I don't like milk, no cereal for me.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
I usually just slide my tennis shoes off though it damages the backs of them. Why I do this is beyond me.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
As emotional as I am, I'm surprisingly dependable in an emergency. For some reason, I tend to stay cool, calm and collected though the minor things do tend to get me all unsettled.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Chocolate anything.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Very little as I am usually so shy that I tend to not make eye contact.

15. RED OR PINK?
Since red is the color for the University of Louisville, our arch rival, I have to go with pink.

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOU?
How fragile I am.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
My Aunt Katie. She's actually my great aunt, Mom's first aunt, and she was an amazing person. She had no more than a sixth grade education and a pretty hard life but she was never let it hold her back.

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?
Doesn't matter to me.

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Pink Victoria's Secret pajama bottoms and socks.

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Chicken salad sandwich with swiss cheese and lettuce.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
The furnace, my dogs pacing back and forth on the hardwood floors and The Sarah Conner Chronicles on TV.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Grey.

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
The way the air smells minutes before a thunderstorm begins and fresh baked cookies.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
My friend Erin.

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
Who doesn't like her?

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Indy Car Racing, Formula One and college football.

27. HAIR COLOR?
Brown with blonde highlights.

28. EYE COLOR?
A really kick ass shade of green.

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? At 38 years old, my vision is still perfect.

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
Mom's fried chicken, Ruth's Chris filet mignon and creamed spinach.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
I love dystopian tales so scary in that sense.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Jackass 2, twice.

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE
YOU WEARING?
A white tee shirt.

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
It would depend on where I live. When I lived in West Virginia, I loved the winter because we always ended up with several hundred inches of snow. Here in Kentucky winter is usually just dark and gloomy but summer is hot beyond belief. So how about fall?

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
I love kisses, even the Hershey variety.

36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
Chocolate pot de creme.

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
No earthly idea.

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? See number 37.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? "Twilight in the Desert" by Matthew Simmons. It's a wonkish book about how Saudi Arabia doesn't have the ability to produce the oil they claim they can.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Border Collies thank you very much.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
The Oscars.

42. FAVORITE SOUND?
Violent thunderstorms (lots of thunder), dogs barking and the nothingness you hear when in the mountains of West Virginia.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
No Beatles no Rolling Stones.

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?


45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
They don't call me "McLovin" for nothing.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?


47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? Doesn't matter, these are kind of fun to do.

When I Was A Little Boy

I'm not sure how old I was when I discovered that boys and girls had different equipment. There was a time when I just assumed that everyone had the same thing. Regardless, the discovery that boys and girls didn't quite look the same had very little impact on my life or my believing that I had been born the wrong gender. At such a young age, genitals just didn't matter that much to me. No, what mattered to me was that boys and girls were supposed to behave differently, dress differently and play differently. For the life of me, I just couldn't figure out why things were the way they were and it hurt really bad inside.



I kept all of this to myself of course because no matter how much I wished it, I was stuck living my life as a boy. Whenever I could, I imagined myself as a girl and did my best to act as much like one as I could. I would prance around all girly, talk in a real high voice and pretend to be any of the girls that I knew. I vividly remember stealing the JC Penney's and Sears catalogs and sneaking off to my room. I would leaf through the toy sections and marvel at the easy bake ovens, dolls and other toys that girls were supposed to play with. It wasn't that I necessarily wanted to play with those toys, but because they were forbidden to me, they became that much more attractive. As I got older, I would use those same catalogs to look through the women's clothing and pick out the things that I wanted to wear.

In school I always preferred to be with the girls and I went out of my way to be included in as many things with them as I could manage. At home it was a different story. The neighborhood that I spent most of my childhood in had a preponderance of boys and absolutely zero girls. It was there that I learned how to be a boy, though I would never stop wanting to be a girl. I would spend most of my free time doing what other boys did, playing football, basketball, baseball and other macho things. By all accounts, I seemed like any other boy growing up in America. For the most part that was true, but I'm pretty sure that most boys in America didn't go to bed at night and cry into their pillows, wondering why in the hell they had been cursed with a body that didn't match the mind.



That was the worst part of all this, the never ending nights of tear soaked pillowcases and never answered prayers from God. It's a horrible existence to know that you are living a lie and can't be who you are supposed to be. A young child just doesn't have the ability to handle such weighty issues and yet everyday in this world, there are tens of thousands young boys and girls going through the same things I went through all those years ago. That any of us manage to grow up and become functioning members of society is nothing short of a miracle. I've said it many times before and I'll say it again, this is a horrible curse and I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

Many years later, I still cry myself to sleep.

June 4, 2007

I know that very few people are actually reading this and that's okay. The whole point of this and my previous blog was to give me a chance to write about how I feel and the things that matter to me. I know that a lot of this, especially these past few days, has been very depressing and a bit of a downer, but I really have no one else to say these things to. It helps me tremendously to vent, to put the proverbial pen to paper and get it out of my system. No one has to read it, it's a big internet out there, but this is my little section of it and that's why I write what I write. I really do wish I was in a better state of mind, believe me I do, but the truth of the matter is, I'm not and if this helps, well, that's a good thing.

I've been mindlessly watching TV tonight as my mind raced from one horror story to another. Apart from going to the store to pick up some dog food, I've had absolutely zero human contact today. When that happens, my mind seems to race and one of the things I've been thinking about today is my facial surgery. I've talked before about how disappointed I am in how things turned out. People keep telling me I need to be patient, that it takes a while for results to show up. I get that but as I approach the nine month anniversary of my surgery, it's pretty clear that it was a bust, and an expensive one at that. I suppose it happens from time to time, we just hope that it isn't us that it doesn't happen to us.

The night before my surgery, June 4th, my Mom and I went out to dinner at a nondescript chain restaurant. We were both tired and a bit anxious and it was one of the few places near our hotel that sounded half way decent. As we sat there that night, I tried to present a positive front to my Mom. Inside I was dying and scared out of my pants. I had never had major surgery before and anytime you go under anesthesia, you are taking a risk. I trusted my doctor but accidents do happen. That was a big part of my fear but I was also worried about so many other things.

Earlier in the day, I had posted an entry to my blog in which I thanked Greg for getting me that far in life. It was a very sad moment and my post accurately reflected how I felt that day. I really did think that when I awoke from surgery the next day, that my life would never be the same. I was optimistic that things would turn out well, but I also had this deep fear that maybe nothing really would change, that I would still look as much like a man as I did when I went in. That of course is what happened and now I can't seem to find a way out of this mess.

Anyways, Mom and I did our best that night to stay in high spirits. I was glad that she was there with me and had she not, I never could have gone through with it all. After dinner, we went back to the hotel and tried to talk about anything but the surgery. We watched TV, though I couldn't tell you what we watched, and eventually it was time for bed. The doctor had told me that I could take a Valium to help me sleep and somehow, I didn't have any trouble drifting off and actually got a pretty good nights sleep. One of the few things I remember about that morning is how hungry and thirsty I was. As we made our way to the clinic, I'm pretty sure I didn't say too many things. I was nervous, very nervous, but I tried to act like I wasn't.

The hour before surgery is kind of a blur. They gave me some medicine to sedate me and I remember having a hard time staying awake as the doctor drew lines all over my face. In between fits of sleepiness, I became increasingly angry and started throwing a mini temper tantrum. I was mad that I couldn't keep the gown on as it kept sliding down off my shoulders and wouldn't stay tied in the back. I was cold, confused and angry, not a good combination going into surgery. It got so bad that they told my Mom that she might as well go back to the hotel. I don't remember her leaving and the next thing I remember was being put in bed, my head all bandaged up and my Mom taking good care of me.

That week, two other girls had their surgery with the same doctor. One went the day before me and the other two days after me. I spent a lot of time with them that week and while I was there, I healed much quicker than any of them did. I ventured out into the world, went to a park, out to eat and took lots of walks. I felt pretty good and if truth be told, it was probably one of the most enjoyable weeks of my life. I had someone to take care of my every needs and it just felt comforting to be in that spacious hotel room. The weather was nice, I ate some good food and Mom and I watched movies and played board games.

When I got back home, Mom continued to take care of me as I stayed at her house for another couple of weeks. Things were good then and I was full of hope, hope that I hadn't experienced for a very long time. Things were looking good and both of us really did think that things were going to turn out great. At the end of those two weeks, I finally went home and started taking care of myself. Ever since that day, I've absolutely hated the house I live in. I don't know what changed, but before this surgery, I was proud of myself for having bought a house and loved everything about it.

Today I simply hate everything about it and would give anything in the world to be back in an apartment. I hate a lot of things now, things that I used to like quite well. The surgery changed me alright, just not in the way I thought and ever since that fateful day, I've been a very miserable and angry person. Life just isn't fun anymore and I blame so much of it on that surgery. It will always be the biggest regret of my life, something that I will go to my grave cursing. I want my old life back so much. I want this all to end, to wake up one day soon and realize that none of it happened. I miss my life from before.

The View From Here

I'm having a pretty bad day, one of those where I just have no desire to even get out of bed, much less walk out the door. These seem to happen more often than not, especially on the weekends when I have nothing to do. I just feel like the world is caving in around me. My bills seem to suck more and more of my money out of me, my house is a disaster zone and the weather simply sucks. It's one of those dark and dreary days that are so common around these parts. I don't mind these kind of days in the early part of winter, but come late February you just want it to stop. Spring is still four weeks away but the way this winter is going, it's probably more like six or seven weeks.

Anyways, I have absolutely nothing to do this weekend and when that happens, I just retreat into my own little world, keeping the blinds drawn and myself in bed. If it weren't for the dogs, I probably would not get out of bed at all. Life isn't supposed to be this way. It's supposed to be fun and full of joy. My life is anything but. There are more days than not in which I just wish that it would all come to a merciful end. Of course it never does and I somehow find a way to keep on going. I don't know how much of this has to do with transition and how much is just a sorry and pathetic life, but it certainly doesn't help. Everytime I pass a mirror, I just want to ram my fist into it and smash it to pieces, so repulsed am I by what I see.

I just want some peace in my life and I don't know how to get that. I've tried everything I can think of and yet the tears just keep on coming. I want the pain to stop, the loneliness to end and the sadness to go away. But it never does. It's my constant companion.

As I See It

Growing up, I always felt like I would never get the chance to be true to myself. I just figured that there was no way that I would possibly be able to go through with all of this and accept who I was and who I needed to be. Because of that, I figured out a way to live my life as Greg. It was never easy, far from it, but over time I got very, very good at it. By the time I turned 30, I had resigned myself to the fact that the life I was leading then would be the one that I would always lead. It was other people who had the courage to go out on a limb and take a leap of faith. It was other people who had the self-confidence to make the changes that needed to be made. I was not one of those people, or so I thought.

Eventually the pain just becomes too much to bear and you either get on with living or you get on with dying. I choose to get on with living and do something about this amazing disconnect between how I felt on the inside and how I felt and looked on the outside. That was four years ago and at the time, I had no idea what on Earth to expect. Sure, I read all the books I could find, I went into therapy and I went out and looked for others who were just like me. I suppose the only thing I knew back then was that things were from then on out going to be very difficult. Other than that, I just didn't know what to expect and looking back on it all, I was right to feel that way.

Soon, I began to comprehend just what an enormous task lay before me. As well prepared as I thought I was, nothing truly could have prepared me for all the missteps and successes that awaited. Some people do this transition thing rather quickly, completing the whole process in as little as a year. Others take much longer and many never make it all the way. I was determined to be one of those who made it though I knew it would probably take a bit longer than a year. Initially, the biggest obstacle seemed to be my job, not the actual emotional toll that comes with transition. The job thing was tough, more so than I imagined, but it paled in comparison to the emotional toll that all of this would end up taking on my psyche and well being.

I'm not going to lie, I'm an emotional wreck right now and I have been for quite some time. This transition of mine has been nothing short of a disaster and to tell the truth, I really don't quite know how I've managed to survive this far. Obviously there have been quite a few moments where I thought I was losing my mind and contemplated either going back to being Greg or simply ending it all by jumping off a bridge or something similar. I've tried hard to give this up and somehow find a way to get my old life back, but the truth is, once you make this leap, there really isn't any going back. That my friends is a problem.

I do not want to go back to being Greg, I've tried way too hard to put that all behind me, but I've really reached the point where being Kelly just isn't working. In many ways, I'm much more miserable as Kelly than I ever was as Greg, but every time I go back, I sink even further into depression. Right now, I'm living in a pretty strange world, one that doesn't make much sense to me and one that I really don't like living in. You see, I'm not quite Kelly and I'm not quite Greg, I'm something entirely in between. It all really depends on what kind of mood I'm in and what I'm going to be doing. If I know I'm going to be out in public, away from my safety zones, I go out as Greg. If I'm just going to work or over to a friends, I usually go as Kelly.

The only thing I know right now is that I can't seem to find the courage to walk out the door as Kelly unless it's absolutely necessary. I'm angry, I'm bitter, I'm sad and I'm frustrated. This can't keep happening and sooner or later, something just has to give. One way or the other, I need to finally make up my mind and go this way or that. My self-imposed deadline is Spring Break, the first full week of April. That's a little over a month from now and right now, I have no earthly idea which way I'll go. Whatever decision I make, it's sure to feel like a major disappointment and that's the only thing I'm sure of right now.

Glennzilla Roars

Glenzilla, possibly the best blogger on the planet, has a great post up over at Salon. In short, he rips the Republicans to shreds over the blatant fear mongering put forth in a new ad designed to scare Americans into giving up their civil liberties so that Daddy Bush can keep us all safe from the menacing "Brown People". It really is something to behold and I urge you to head over to Glenn's Unclaimed Territory to watch it in all it's repulsive glory.

For the life of me, I just can't wrap my mind around why some folks seem to think the threat from a few hundred guys living in caves is so ominous. Now I know that the powers that be probably don't believe they are such a great threat, but it's served them well since 9/11 and seeing as how it's the only card they are holding, they will most likely keep playing it till the fat lady sings. Look, I'm not denying that a bunch of pissed off Islamic Terrorist might try to stage another attack, but I hardly see how they are the greatest threat ever to the most powerful nation in the history of the world.

This fear that the terrorist will jump out from under your bed and murder your wife and kids isn't just stupid, it's fucking insane. I can honestly say that not once have I ever given these terrorist a second thought. They don't scare me and they never will. To be afraid of them means that they have won, that's what terrorism is. Never in the history of this nation have we faced a more pathetic and inept enemy than the one we do now. That they have the power to destroy this country is just plain laughable. No, they are not scary but I will tell you what was scary, the 40,000 nuclear warheads the Soviet Union had aimed at us when I was growing up. That was some scary shit. Terrorist living in caves, not so scary.

Obama V. Clinton

Konagod has a great post up about tonight's Democratic Debate in his hometown of Austin and seeing as how he doesn't care if we pilfer from him, I'm going to....



For those who don't follow these things too closely, there has been some recent controversy over what some believe are sexist comments by Obama and racist comments by Hillary.

A Couple of Things

My only problem with this story is that the New York Times sat on it for two months. The fact that the New Republic was set to run with the same thing probably pushed them to bring it out last night, but my how things would be different had this story broken in December. McCain's campaign would have most certainly derailed and we would probably have Mitt "I like to strap my dogs to the roof of my car" Rommney as the Republican nominee. Still, I'd be surprised if this sticks around too long. The media simply adores McCain and they aren't about to let something like this tarnish the image of "The Maverick". I'd also wager that mot Americans don't know that McCain cheated on his first wife after returning from Vietnam. He left her for a much younger and much wealthier Trophy Wife. Apparently he has a thing for the younger stuff.

The other day I wrote about Oil passing the $100 a barrel mark and I'd like to add a thing or two if I could. First, the market still doesn't justify this price increase as I suspect traders are just jittery about things that don't really matter all that much. Put simply, there is adequate supply right now though the cushion is a bit tight. Earlier today, Texas Oilman T. Boone Pickens agreed with me (yeah right) and said that he's going short on oil and expects it to fall back slightly before moving well above $100 by the second half of the year. I couldn't agree more. Too many of the analyst who study oil are drinking the Kool Aid and seem to peg everything on above ground factors. Sure, they are important, but not nearly as much as what's happening underground. (As I write this, oil has fallen back to $98 a barrel)

Look, call me a kook if you want, I don't care, but the shit is really, really, really close to hitting the fan. There are some big projects coming online this year but the fact of the matter is, they won't be enough to offset the growing demand from Asia, the declines from aging fields and the dramatic increase in consumption among exporting countries. That last part is the important thing to keep in mind and is often totally overlooked. Saudi Arabia may very well increase production this year by over 1 million barrels a day, but when coupled with their decline rate of around 4% and the big increases in domestic consumption, it will be a wash, if not a decline overall.


Suburban Hell

I've said it before and I'll say it again, you've got a year, maybe two to "party on" and after that it's all over. We've been blessed with a tremendous energy source, quite possibly the most efficient in the universe, and it's increasingly difficult to get it out of the ground. We'll leave a lot of oil untapped, perhaps as much as 1 trillion barrels, but for the most part, the easy to get stuff has already been got. The past 50 years have seen the biggest misallocation of money and resources in the history of the world. I'm talking of course about Suburban Sprawl, the thing we'll regret for centuries. I have a lot of friends who live in the 'burbs and I honestly do feel sorry for them. They have made a horrible investment, more so than any of us can presently imagine as the suburbs have absolutely zero future. None, zip, zilch, nada. You think it's a waste land now, wait 10 years.

It's About Damn Time

Finally, after more than a decade, American Open Wheel Racing is once again unified as the Champ Car World Series will move into the Indy Racing League (IRL) and we will race as one. Champ Car drivers were told to report to Indianapolis tomorrow in order to be fit for seats while teams were told that their new cars, complete with $1.2 million to support operations, will arrive this week. The official announcement will come tomorrow but already, fans of real racing are rejoicing at the prospect of large fields, more races and one championship. As a fan of Open Wheel Racing, I cannot stress enough how great this all is.



All 16 of the IRL races (11 ovals and 5 street courses) will be held with the Long Beach Grand Prix, Edmonton Grand Prix and Surfers Paradise Australia Grand Prix from Champ Car being added to the schedule this year. Next year will most likely see the addition of the Toronto Grand Prix and Mexico City Grand Prix and possibly others. This will all make for a true world championship and help American racing catch up to Formula One, the ultimate series for motor sports.

What it will also do is make NASCAR look even more boring and pathetic than it already is. I tried hard to watch the Daytona 500 this past weekend, but it made watching glue dry exciting. For some reason, Americans seem to think that NASCAR is the best racing around. It's not, not even close and I'll tell you why. The cars are slow, ugly as shit, cautions come out every few laps and absolutely no skill (aside from bumper car driving) is involved. If skill mattered, and again it doesn't, Juan Pablo Montoya would win every race in NASCAR.

Not Sure This is Justified

Crude Oil closed today above $100US a barrel, the first time that has ever happened. Despite touching that magical threshold last month, crude had fallen into the more realistic price range of between $80 and $90 a barrel before pushing past the $100 mark today. Most experts, and I use that term lightly, blame the increase on several above ground factors, the possibility of a cut in production from OPEC, the ongoing battle between Venezuela and ExxonMobil and the refinery fire yesterday in Texas. Still, there really isn't any reason for oil to have surged the way it did. The market is adequately supplied, for the time being, and with the global economy slowing, especially here in America, demand is almost certain to fall this year as most people cut back on driving.

In addition, 2008 might just see an increase in crude production as several megaprojects are slated to go online this year and next, offering a temporary cushion before reality begins to seriously set in by 2010 when producers will struggle mightily to keep production even close to current levels. This of course is contingent on everything going according to plan, something that rarely happens in the oil business. Some of these projects will fail to get off the ground, others will never produce the promised amounts and it's always possible that the increases will not be enough to offset declines in such giant fields as Ghawar, Burgan and Cantarell. Furthermore, and most ominous, is the continuing decline in exports from places like Saudi Arabia which is being plagued my massive new increases in domestic consumption.

Anyways, what happened today never should have happened. If OPEC doesn't cut production in March, there's no reason oil shouldn't drop back down near $80 a barrel, a price OPEC seems more than content to keep. So for now at least, despite what happened in New York today, it's still the same old rallying cry, "Party On"!

Idiot America

I wrote about this once before but thought I would touch upon it one last time. Today on Yahoo, they have one of those silly filler features that they run from time to time and tonight's is a masterpiece. With the Presidential election not too far away, they have a list of the 10 best US Presidents in cinema history. It's pretty much what I expected save for one wicked surprise: Terry Crews take as President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho in the brilliant, but very much maligned and ignored Idiocracy.

If you haven't seen it, and judging by the money it made, you haven't, please do go out and rent it, as few political satires have managed to hit the proverbial nail on the head. From director Mike Judge of Office Space and Beavis and Butthead fame, it's a pretty poorly made film staring Luke Wilson, Maya Rudolph, Dax Shepard and the President himself, Terry Crews. What it lacks in production quality though, it more than makes up for in brilliantly mocking the current state of American culture and America itself. Wilson plays an everyday average Joe who volunteers for an Army experiment that goes awry. Frozen in a special chamber, he and Rudolph are supposed to wake up one year later, only they don't and it's 500 years till something causes their sleep chamber to come awake. What they find is a world full of complete and total idiots.



Seems that sometime around the turn of the 20th century, smart people stopped having kids, preferring instead to focus on careers and self-fulfillment. The folks you currently see on Jerry Springer keep on popping them out and before too long, idiots rule. When Wilson wakes up, he finds that the Best Picture is a movie called "Ass", the top television show is "Ow, My Balls" and Starbucks now sells hookers and blowjobs. People can't get more than a word or two out of their mouths without saying ass, fuck or shit. Buildings are built crooked, nothing is spelled right, they spend all day sitting in a recliner that doubles as a toilet and get force fed yellow paste. In short, if you take the current state of affairs in America and take them to their logical conclusion, Idiocracy is what you will get.

Here are a few of my favorite quotes:

Doctor to Wilson's character Joe: "

Right, kick ass. Well, don't want to sound like a dick or nothin', but, ah... it says on your chart that you're fucked up. Ah, you talk like a fag, and your shit's all retarded. What I'd do, is just like... like... you know, like, you know what I mean, like..."

At a State of the Union Speech:
President Camacho:

Shit. I know shit's bad right now, with all that starving bullshit, and the dust storms, and we are running out of french fries and burrito coverings. But I got a solution.

South Carolina Representative # 1:

That's what you said last time, dipshit!

South Carolina Representative # 2:

Yeah, I got a solution, you're a dick! South Carolina, what's up!

Secret Service Thug:

Okay. Hey, a couple of us guys were wonderin', uh if we'd go family-style on her.

A story about history:
Narrator: [Time Masheen starts]

We're gonna take you back, to the year 1939 when Charlie Chaplin and his nazi regime enslaved Europe and tried to take over the world...

Narrator: .

..But then an even greater force emerged, the U.N.
[pronounced "un"]

Narrator:

and the U.N. un-nazied the world - forever.

Fragile-Handle With Care

My self-esteem is not what most people would call strong. I don't ever remember a time when it was anything but lacking and that is probably more so today than at anytime in my past. This weekend was a typical example of how things go for me. A really good friend of mine threw a birthday party for her one year old son yesterday and I wouldn't have missed it for the world. I went as Kelly of course, it was a safe environment amongst friends that I know well. There were a few strangers there, but I knew that things would be okay.

Today I went out in the world as Greg.

It wasn't as if I wanted to do that, but my mind was totally gripped with fear and I knew that the only way I would make it would be to do the safe thing, be Greg. I really didn't need to go anywhere but it's been a rainy day and I just wanted to get out of the house. Among my stops were the Mall St. Matthews, Borders and Home Depot. Only at Borders would I have felt halfway secure, but there was no way I was going to walk through a busy mall or a hardware superstore as Kelly, at least not by myself. When I left the house, I really did hate myself for being so afraid but once I got there, I knew that I did the right thing. Being Greg in public is simply the only way I can ever leave my house and keep my wits about me.

It sucks and makes me feel like a pathetic piece of shit, but that's the way my life is these days and I just don't see it changing anytime soon. My therapist will be in town this coming weekend and she and I are getting together Friday night. Oddly enough, her daughter just bought a house right down the street from my Mom. She's going to be visiting her and so we're going to meet Friday evening at Mom's. I'm going to use that opportunity to tell my Mom how horrible things really are, how afraid I am to face the world and how much I just want to give this all up and crawl back into a safe place.

As I've said many times before, things just didn't turn out the way I thought they would. I'm so happy for those who pull it off, but for whatever reason, I wasn't meant to live this life. I've tried everything that I can think of and none of it has worked. Yet for some reason, I keep plowing on and somehow I keep hoping that things will turn around shortly. That they haven't yet is not a surprise and yet I still cling to some semblance of hope. Such is my life.

Give It A Name

I've been tagged:

1. Your real name: Kelly Joann Armstrong

2. Your detective name (fave color and animal): Purple Dog

3. Your soap-opera name (middle name and the street you live on): Joann Wendell

4. Your Star Wars name (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name): ArmKe

5. Your superhero name (color of your panties and favorite candy): Black Resse

6. Your Japanese name (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, first two letters of your middle name, then last three letters of your last name): Emjoong

7. Your witness protection name (both parents middle name, father first...then mother): William Jean (dammit, it took me 37 years to get rid of the first male name I was given, I'm going to take my chances as is)

8. Your goth name (Black and the name of one of your pets): Black Shadow (that sounds more like what my detective name or superhero name should have been)

The Economist

Holy krap, didn't see that coming at all. Brilliant, absolutely brilliant and did you notice that I was right about Sayid? I need to re-watch this tomorrow night and then I'll have a take on what I think. Brilliant, absolutely fucking brilliant!

A Wild Ass Lost Prediction

Lost will be on in less than an hour and the previews from last weeks episode seem to indicate that we will find out who the fourth member of the "Oceanic Six" is. We already know that Jack, Kate and Hurley make it off the island and tonight we will find out the fourth. I'm on the record of predicting the "Oceanic Six" will be the three we already know about plus Sayid, Jin and Sun. I'm going to stick with that prediction as it just makes the most sense to me, though I could be completely wrong. But that isn't what I'm ready to predict right now. No, I want to throw out a guess as to who was in the coffin at the funeral Jack attended in last season's finale, "Through the Looking Glass".

A month or so ago, Entertainment Weekly had an interview with his Hotness, also know as Matthew Fox in which Fox refused to reveal who it was he went to see in that surprising flashforward. But he did say that once J.J. Abrams and Carlton Cuse told him who it was, he wasn't surprised. A lot of people have theorized that it was either Sawyer or Ben based upon Kate's comment of "why would I go to that." I don't buy that for a second and so tonight I'm going to predict that it was actually John Locke. My reasons for feeling this way are pretty straightforward and seem to make a lot of sense. Locke is clearly becoming more and more unpopular and I suspect that as the show unfolds these next couple of seasons, we're going to see that Locke becomes more and more of an outsider and less and less of a Lostie.

Clearly Locke does not want to get off the island, it's brought him back his ability to walk, healed wounds that would have been fatal and generally made him a man again. He's by far the most interesting character and apart from Desmond and Ben, he's my favorite. Like Ben, he believes in the island and what it represents. He likes it there and doesn't want to go back to the real world, but I suspect, something will indeed take him back to that real world and when it does, he will either lose the will to live or somehow be killed. He has no family, no friends and on the island, he's been pretty good at making enemies, none more so than Jack.

So why would Jack be the only person to go to the funeral? For the answer to that, one need only look to the desperate look in Jacks eyes when he tells Kate that they have to go back to the island, that they have to get back, that they weren't supposed to leave. For whatever reason, Jack, who wants off that island more than anyone, will come to realize that it really was a special place and that leaving was the biggest mistake of his life. Like Locke, Jack will finally understand the place and his guilt for not listening to Locke will bring him to that funeral home where Locke lies all alone.

Then again, I might have no idea what in the hell I'm talking about and if that is the case, it won't be the first time. Still, I'm feeling pretty confident about this prediction and only time will tell if I'm right.

Valentines Day and How I Learned To Ignore It

Valentines Day is tomorrow and all across the country, couples in love will celebrate the holiday by going out to dinner and exchanging gifts of flowers, jewelry and other, less romantic gifts. Time was, it would have depressed me, but today I'm okay with the whole idea that tens of millions of people are happily together, or at least pretending to be happily together. Good for them and I hope that they have a great time tomorrow, I wish them nothing but the best. That being said, it would be nice to have at least one date from time to time.

I really have no idea if that will ever happen or not, but one can always be hopeful. With the exception of my brief infatuation with a married teacher I used to work with, I really haven't shown much interest in women or men. Yeah, I've seen lots of cute guys and hot girls, but it's always been nothing more than a simple physical attraction that passes the second that person walks away. Still, there is one woman that I work with that I would most certainly ask out were I not in the process of changing genders. She's a few years older than me, has a really great job, is single and pretty much makes me feel gaga. Nothing will come of it as I won't act on my feelings, so great is my fear of rejection and disappointment. Still, it's nice to know that someone does make me feel alive again.

A Transsexual Womans Worst Fear



Photo courtesy of Transe-generation.

Start Your Engines

Okay, I know the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue is sexist and does nothing but make horny teenagers even more horny, but dammit, Danica Patrick just totally rocks this girls world. I'd give anything to have that hair and her driving ability and her face and her body. I cannot wait to see her at this years Indy 500.

What A Mess

The snow turned to ice around 11 last night and I guess at around 2 this morning we had a switch to freezing rain and now just plain rain. It's a complete and total mess out there. The five or six inches of snow we got has been reduced to a couple of inches of slush and ice. The temperature is dropping again and we should be back below freezing in the next hour or two at which point things could get interesting again. The forecasted low is 21 with scattered snow showers and ice pellets so I'm not giving up on having at least one more day off of work.

Had the snow not turned to freezing rain, they are saying that we would have ended up with around 25 inches of snow. That would have been totally cool as we wouldn't have had school the rest of the week. Still, it was nice to actually see some real snow around here. It was the most that had fallen since 11 inches fell right before Christmas of 2004. Here's to more snow days in my future.

Snow Day

Jefferson County Public Schools are officially closed on Tuesday. No alarm clock for me tonight. Party On!

WInter Storm Warning

It just started snowing within the past half hour and we might end up with as much as 6 inches before it changes to ice and freezing rain in the morning. Here's hoping for a snow day, it's been a long time coming.

UPDATE: Moderate to heavy snow at 5:30 with pictures to come later tonight, not that anyone cares.

UPDATE 2: 9:00 PM: After getting 4 inches of snow, we've seen a changeover to sleet and ice pellets in the past 20 minutes. Looks like six or seven hours of ice ahead of us followed by a changeover to rain by morning with even some thunderstorms. Right now it's 21 degrees but evidently there is a layer of warm air that has risen over the area, thus the ice and no more snow. Bummer. As of now, schools are open for tomorrow though I'll be surprised if they don't announce soon.

I Hope This Happens

By all means, let George W. Bush become a central part of the presidential campaign.

These Boots Are Made For Walking

End of season sales totally rock. Normally $159.00, I got these kick ass boots for just $69.99 at Eddie Bauer's online outlet. Should be here this week.

Merger

Sounds promising , though I won't hold my breath on it.

Same Kelly, New Home

Hi All,

Well, I'm back on the air after a brief hiatus.  The only change of course is a new address and format.  As much as I loved blogging at KellyVision, the time had come for me to shut that baby down and put it to bed.  Why you ask?  Well, in short, too many people that I work with have the address and it was starting to cause a bit of a problem.  Rather than stop blogging all together, I thought it best to start something new, something fresh and hopefully something a bit more fun.  As you've probably noticed, I've switched blogging platforms.  While I will miss using Sandvox, the truth is, I was getting tired of having to deal with an FTP Client.  It's time consuming and that's something I just don't have much of.  Thus the switch to blogger.  

Anyways, I hope that those of you who have followed me these past couple of years will make the switch to the new home of Kelly.  Comments are enabled and open to anyone.  I'd love to hear from you and I hope that you will once again make me a part of your world.  To celebrate this new start, I thought I would share one of my favorite songs in the world.  I think it's kind of appropriate and I hope that you think so too....