Fragile-Handle With Care

My self-esteem is not what most people would call strong. I don't ever remember a time when it was anything but lacking and that is probably more so today than at anytime in my past. This weekend was a typical example of how things go for me. A really good friend of mine threw a birthday party for her one year old son yesterday and I wouldn't have missed it for the world. I went as Kelly of course, it was a safe environment amongst friends that I know well. There were a few strangers there, but I knew that things would be okay.

Today I went out in the world as Greg.

It wasn't as if I wanted to do that, but my mind was totally gripped with fear and I knew that the only way I would make it would be to do the safe thing, be Greg. I really didn't need to go anywhere but it's been a rainy day and I just wanted to get out of the house. Among my stops were the Mall St. Matthews, Borders and Home Depot. Only at Borders would I have felt halfway secure, but there was no way I was going to walk through a busy mall or a hardware superstore as Kelly, at least not by myself. When I left the house, I really did hate myself for being so afraid but once I got there, I knew that I did the right thing. Being Greg in public is simply the only way I can ever leave my house and keep my wits about me.

It sucks and makes me feel like a pathetic piece of shit, but that's the way my life is these days and I just don't see it changing anytime soon. My therapist will be in town this coming weekend and she and I are getting together Friday night. Oddly enough, her daughter just bought a house right down the street from my Mom. She's going to be visiting her and so we're going to meet Friday evening at Mom's. I'm going to use that opportunity to tell my Mom how horrible things really are, how afraid I am to face the world and how much I just want to give this all up and crawl back into a safe place.

As I've said many times before, things just didn't turn out the way I thought they would. I'm so happy for those who pull it off, but for whatever reason, I wasn't meant to live this life. I've tried everything that I can think of and none of it has worked. Yet for some reason, I keep plowing on and somehow I keep hoping that things will turn around shortly. That they haven't yet is not a surprise and yet I still cling to some semblance of hope. Such is my life.