As I See It

Growing up, I always felt like I would never get the chance to be true to myself. I just figured that there was no way that I would possibly be able to go through with all of this and accept who I was and who I needed to be. Because of that, I figured out a way to live my life as Greg. It was never easy, far from it, but over time I got very, very good at it. By the time I turned 30, I had resigned myself to the fact that the life I was leading then would be the one that I would always lead. It was other people who had the courage to go out on a limb and take a leap of faith. It was other people who had the self-confidence to make the changes that needed to be made. I was not one of those people, or so I thought.

Eventually the pain just becomes too much to bear and you either get on with living or you get on with dying. I choose to get on with living and do something about this amazing disconnect between how I felt on the inside and how I felt and looked on the outside. That was four years ago and at the time, I had no idea what on Earth to expect. Sure, I read all the books I could find, I went into therapy and I went out and looked for others who were just like me. I suppose the only thing I knew back then was that things were from then on out going to be very difficult. Other than that, I just didn't know what to expect and looking back on it all, I was right to feel that way.

Soon, I began to comprehend just what an enormous task lay before me. As well prepared as I thought I was, nothing truly could have prepared me for all the missteps and successes that awaited. Some people do this transition thing rather quickly, completing the whole process in as little as a year. Others take much longer and many never make it all the way. I was determined to be one of those who made it though I knew it would probably take a bit longer than a year. Initially, the biggest obstacle seemed to be my job, not the actual emotional toll that comes with transition. The job thing was tough, more so than I imagined, but it paled in comparison to the emotional toll that all of this would end up taking on my psyche and well being.

I'm not going to lie, I'm an emotional wreck right now and I have been for quite some time. This transition of mine has been nothing short of a disaster and to tell the truth, I really don't quite know how I've managed to survive this far. Obviously there have been quite a few moments where I thought I was losing my mind and contemplated either going back to being Greg or simply ending it all by jumping off a bridge or something similar. I've tried hard to give this up and somehow find a way to get my old life back, but the truth is, once you make this leap, there really isn't any going back. That my friends is a problem.

I do not want to go back to being Greg, I've tried way too hard to put that all behind me, but I've really reached the point where being Kelly just isn't working. In many ways, I'm much more miserable as Kelly than I ever was as Greg, but every time I go back, I sink even further into depression. Right now, I'm living in a pretty strange world, one that doesn't make much sense to me and one that I really don't like living in. You see, I'm not quite Kelly and I'm not quite Greg, I'm something entirely in between. It all really depends on what kind of mood I'm in and what I'm going to be doing. If I know I'm going to be out in public, away from my safety zones, I go out as Greg. If I'm just going to work or over to a friends, I usually go as Kelly.

The only thing I know right now is that I can't seem to find the courage to walk out the door as Kelly unless it's absolutely necessary. I'm angry, I'm bitter, I'm sad and I'm frustrated. This can't keep happening and sooner or later, something just has to give. One way or the other, I need to finally make up my mind and go this way or that. My self-imposed deadline is Spring Break, the first full week of April. That's a little over a month from now and right now, I have no earthly idea which way I'll go. Whatever decision I make, it's sure to feel like a major disappointment and that's the only thing I'm sure of right now.