I had a complete and total meltdown about an hour after I got home from work. In short, I couldn't stop crying, sobbing really, and I just seemed to be frozen in place, curled up in the fetal position. It got so bad that I finally got up the courage to call my Mom and get her to come over. Twenty minutes later she came to the rescue and got me under control. What followed was what needed to happen a long time ago, we finally had the talk. Both of us are in agreement that things just haven't worked out and that it's time to finally make a decision, one that both of us agree should probably be to put this to a merciful end.
Mom whole heartedly agreed that there is no way I will be able to move back into the classroom next year, at least not as Kelly. The only way that happens, is to go back to being Greg. She said the words that I've said here many times myself, the facial surgery didn't work and there were just way too many obstacles to overcome. First and foremost is the fact that even after surgery, I still have a very masculine face. Next is my height, I'm just way too tall to ever pass as female and finally, I've just never been able to get the voice low enough. Aside from the height, can't do a thing about that, I've tried my best to overcome the others. It wasn't enough and Mom agrees that I face a lifetime of being stared at, laughed at and made to feel like the proverbial "Man in a dress" awaits me.
So, where do I go from here? Well, I have a few big things coming up that will help resolve all of this. Thursday, I'm supposed to drive to Lexington to see my endocrinologist. Saturday is supposed to be a day at the Image Salon (manicure, eyebrow wax and sculpt, one on one makeup lesson) and Monday is a visit to my therapist. I've decided to go through with all of those, there isn't much sense in doing anything till Monday is over, and I'll then sit down with my Mom, Dee Ann from the teachers union and maybe a friend or two. What will be decided can pretty much be whittled down to three options:
1. Continue the transition as planned and the hell with everything. This pretty much means that I won't ever get to teach again.
2. Go back to being Greg and call this transition quits. The advantage to that is no more being laughed at and I most likely get to move back into the classroom in August. I honestly have no idea if I can go back to the way things were.
3. Make a compromise with myself. This would entail being Greg at work and Kelly everywhere else. It's pretty much what I've been doing these past few months, only this time in reverse. It's all rather taxing and I honestly want to go one way or the other. I'm tired of being stuck in the middle with nowhere to go.
4. This isn't really an option, but it's what I told Mom I would do were it not for the fact that I have a house. I told her that I sometimes wish I could just pack up and move as far away as possible. It's the only way I'm ever going to get a fresh start. In many ways, Louisville is a big city, but when you get down to it, it's just not that hard to run into people you know. So where would I go? Off the top of my head, I can think of 4 or 5 places that would make me happy: Chicago, Portland, Seattle, Anchorage and Lewisburg West Virginia. Mom agreed, despite not wanting to be apart from me, that this would probably be the best option. So why isn't this an option? Well, the economy is in the toilet and is only going to get worse. Houses just aren't selling nationwide and those that do are usually going for a loss.
I'm calmed down now, Mom took me out to get a bite to eat, and now I'm watching the election results trickle in. My prediction for tonight: Obama wins Texas by 10% and Clinton wins Ohio by 2%, essentially meaning that it's over for Clinton. But then again, I'm as crazy as they come, now where's that straight jacket at?