Just A Thought

I much prefer being a girl to being a boy, but I'm much better at being a boy than being a girl. That and the fact that I look much more like a boy than a girl. I guess that $28,600 could have been better spent elsewhere.


konagod | March 8, 2008 at 5:43 PM

OK. You have to stop obsessing about the $28,600 -- please. It'll drive you nuts. I know it's hard and believe me, I have shed an internal tear myself just thinking about your situation and the money spent with nothing to show for it.

We all make mistakes with the absolute best of intentions.

Back when txrad and I had our own ad agency, things started off great and then began to drop sharply. I was continuing to purchase airtime on tv stations with the hope of reselling it for a profit -- which I did in a few instances, but overall we were going deeper and deeper into a financial hole and I didn't have my finger on the pulse to realize it.

After about two years of this, when the last client bailed out owing us $33,000 I began to tally up the damage. We had several credit cards under the corporation name that were maxxed out, and I had obtained cash advances on several of our personal cards trying to keep the business going.

I had to stop making payments on them and when the collections calls started coming in, I was informed that I personally was liable for the corporate cards as well.

So here I sit with roughly $150,000 in credit card debt and nothing to show for it and no job. I have beat myself up over it so many times I'm actually just tired of flogging. I fucked up.

I've had to get to a place where I treat that money and debt as some abstract concept. I know you'll eventually deal with it in a way that works best for you, and at least yours isn't debt (I hope), just money "better spent elsewhere."

But you know what? You ARE a girl to me, and that's all I've ever known you as, and I know it's important to you to be recognized and accepted as a woman by society, and I wish to hell we both lived in a society where people were not so ignorant, rude and bigoted.

I know that you will find your special place, geographically and personally, given a bit of time.

When we lived in LA, we bought a TV from a local electronics store in Wilshire (I think) near our apartment. One of the TV sales people was a tall, lanky, nerdy, deep-voiced mtf with hair longer than mine but she was still about as masculine as any guy in the store. Obviously the store management didn't have an issue with it, and if any customers did, well... fuck 'em, they could pick a different salesperson I guess.

I just remember being impressed that she had such a comfort level with who she was that nothing was going to get in the way of living, doing a good job and making a sale.

I often think about her since I've been blogging and have met other transgender people and wonder what her life was like, and is like now.

KellyGirl | March 8, 2008 at 9:44 PM

Thanks Kona, it's been tough, but please know that I'm really trying very hard.