A letter to my union representative:
Well, I've talked things over with my Mom and therapist and we are all of the opinion that I can't go back into the classroom as Kelly. I just can't come close to pulling it off, I get "read" as male everywhere I go, no matter how I'm dressed. I've tried everything I can think of and nothing works. I've spent a fortune, close to $60,000 all told, and I'm still stuck where I was when I began, the proverbial "Guy" in a dress. So, seeing as how I can't get any response from Carolyn, will you set up a meeting with the three of us so we can discuss what steps I need to take as far as work is concerned? I can pretty much do anytime, any day, so what ever works for the two of you is fine with me.
I've done a lot of soul searching and if it were financially possible, I would put the house up for sell and move far, far away and just start all over. I can't even stand to face anyone anymore, so ashamed and embarrassed am I about how things have turned out. I need to be at a school where absolutely no one knows me or anything about me. I don't want people to find out that I failed at this, if that's even possible. Dee, I can barely even stand to go on living, but doing so as Kelly seems to be worse than going back to Greg. At least when I'm Greg, no one pays any attention to me and I can just keep to myself and stay out of the way. I've pretty much retreated into my own little world and tend to just go to work, mind my own business and come home and get in bed and stay there.
I wish I could just quit, I really do, but I honestly have no idea what I would do for a living. So, the only option for me is to somehow get back in a classroom, the one thing in life I seem to do well. So, will you set something up for me?
I've raised the white flag, yelled out "no mas", thrown in the towel, said "I quit" and brought the fat lady on to sing. It's over and it's time to get back to living again. I've spent the past four years trying to be someone that I couldn't and it's done nothing but make me miserable and caused heartache and sadness to those around me. I've failed miserably where so many before me have succeeded beyond their wildest imaginations. It sucks really bad, but at some point you just have to stop banging your head against the wall. I'll somehow manage to pull this all off and make the move back to Greg, but I can't help but feel tremendous disappointment and abject failure.
I hate myself with a passion and I wish to God I had never been born into this crazy world. It would be a better place without me. Alas, I'm too much of a screw up to even make something that simple happen. I so badly want to just walk away from all of this and start over someplace new. I cannot bear to even face my friends or my family. A look in the mirror brings nothing but hostility and rage, something I seem to have a lot of these days. My mind is always racing, trying to find a way out of this mess but it never can quite figure it all out. It wasn't supposed to end up like this. It was supposed to be different. Things were supposed to be better. They are anything but.