A New Beginning

Yesterday, I walked into a whole new world, a place where absolutely no one knows the person I used to be. Monday was the first day back for school principals and I took the opportunity to visit my new school and see my classroom. Along the way I met several staff members all of whom will only know me as Kelly. At my old school, my friends first got to know me as Greg and that was the person that they knew and loved. My becoming Kelly was very hard on most of them and had I stayed where I was at, I never would have been able to make a successful transition. I didn't understand that at the time but I do now. It's hard for people to watch someone they care deeply about die a slow death. While they supported what I was doing, the truth was they didn't really want it to happen.

I get that totally and I hold no hard feelings for losing touch with most of them. My transition has been hard on a lot of people, most of all my family. They have mourned the loss of Greg and from time to time, it's clear that they would like to have that person back. Sometimes I think the same thing but then I stop and think about how great life finally is and I know that there is no going back. I hate that to find my own happiness and peace of mind, I had to figuratively kill off a person that so many people obviously cared about. When I began transition, I figured that the hardest part would be getting to a place where I could actually move about the world as female. I never imagined tha it would actually be letting go of the person that got me so far in life.

I've apologized to so many people for taking Greg away and believe me, had I been able to make a go of things as that person, I never would have felt this need to transition. Greg was a pretty awesome person, as nice as could be, as hard working as they come and an all around decent guy. I loved that person a lot and as long as I live I will be forever grateful to all he did to get me to this point in life. When I look at pictures of myself from all those years ago, I often find myself tearing up and feeling very sad about what I did to him. He didn't ask for this, certainly didn't deserve this and most likely never imagined that it would come to this, but come it did. I don't deny my past and I never will. I'm proud of who I am and who I was and despite once thinking otherwise, I will never have a reason to hide that very important part of who I am.

That being said, it was still kind of nice to walk into a place where everyone will get to know Kelly and hopefully love her as much as people used to love Greg. I'm really still the same person, I still work just as hard and I try to be as good of a friend as I ever did as Greg. Most of my friends have come to like Kelly as much as they did Greg and my family now treats me as the daughter and sister that I am but I still know that deep in their hearts, they often think of Greg and wish that he was still around. I have no illusions that anyone at my new school will take me for a natal female but that's okay because they won't have a previous image to compare me to. I've found that the people I've met since going full time accept me as female all the while knowing of my past as a male. They're cool with that and in some strange way, it just helps me relax and be myself. I don't have this fear of being found out, of slipping up and doing something I'm not supposed to do and as a result I get to live.

1 comments:

Jessica Lyn | July 11, 2008 at 11:40 PM

I just wanted to say "Hi" and to tell you that this post really got to me. I am just about to start transitioning (MtoF) and I know my Mom and (soon to be ex) wife hate the fact that I'm doing this. They may not say it and in fact my wife and I are like best girlfriends, but I get that same feeling that you do, that while people may except what I have to do in order to be happy with myself, it doesn't mean that they like it or even want to see me change like that.

It's funny that you said that you felt the hardest part would be passing but then it turned out to be letting go of who you used to be, because right now I feel like I'll never be able to pass and I can't imagine what it'll be like letting go of who I am now. Truth is I don't know how well I'll pass, but the thing that scares me the most is being alone and not having any friends or family who accept me for the female I really am.

Thanks for that post!

I'm going to put a link to your blog on mine.