Too Hard On Myself, But...

I'm way too hard on myself in so many respects, always doubting myself in nearly everything I do. These past few years, as I've tried hard to successfully transition, I've beaten myself up at every step of the way. That continues today as I am constantly berating myself for everything from the clothes I wear to the way my hair looks. In my eyes, everything looks horrible and I am a horrible person. There are many days that I find myself having hating everything about me, wishing that I had never been born or contemplating suicide. If truth be told, I do have a lot of self-shame and more than enough anger over how things have turned out. There was a time in my life where I really did think that I had a lot of potential, that my life would turn out better than deserved and really make a mark on this world. I don't feel that way anymore.

Right now, I'm just hoping to somehow salvage things and make the most of it.

But when I really stop and look at things, it becomes clear that I shouldn't feel that way at all. I have a family that really loves me, friends who would do anything for me, a home that I am proud of, an education that is pretty amazing, a job that I simply love, a school that has been better to me than I ever deserve and three dogs that love me no matter what. I'm making more money than I ever have in my life, I have a nice and reliable car, I have a lot of free time, I've been all over this country and done some incredible things. I really have nothing to complain about, but still I do.

And that's what irritates me beyond belief. I want to love life, look in the mirror and see a happy person that is living life to the fullest. I want to be happy with who I am and go forward confident in the person I've become. This life, being trapped in a body that doesn't match my mind, is an incredibly tough way to live. I've done the best I can and the truth is, I don't look that bad and I've been pretty damn successful making a go as Kelly. So, I'm going to do the very best I can as I move forward from this day on. In the scheme of things, none of us have a very long time on this Earth, and as a result, we kind of need to make the most of us. There is no second chance, though I kind of believe in re-incarnation, so it's up to all of us to make this brief moment in time, the best it possibly can be.

4 comments:

Anonymous | November 11, 2008 at 10:36 PM

You make a difference to every single person you see throughout the day. Make a concerted effort to focus outward to the world instead of inward. You have yourself to offer the world. From what I've read, that's a lot to offer.

Anonymous | November 12, 2008 at 10:13 PM

OMG Kelly I am balling. Has anyone ever told you that you should be a writer.Where do I begin with this? You are so amazing to me.There are things I want to tell you however I feel that they would effect our friendship so maybe in do time.Until then don't change your fine the way u r!!!!! Mis

nexy | November 15, 2008 at 5:37 PM

i am very happy to read this post. and quite jealous that you have a job you love.

JACQ | November 21, 2008 at 11:40 PM

I don't doubt my abilities in anything I do. It's the incompetent people making decisions that I doubt more than anything. And I often question why they are in the positions they are in.