Today was one of those days, they come a bit more frequently of late, that I'm wondering if I've made the right decision. Ever since I first came out, I've had days where I've either regreted the whole thing or wished it had never happened. Little has turned out like I had either hoped or expected. There have been a lot of setbacks and a lot of very brave steps forward. Things have gone quite right in many respects, look at my career for one, but as is usally the case on days like today, I'm just not that happy with the whole state of things with regards to my life.
While my family and friends have accepted me for who I am, the fact is, I haven't. I don't get upset anymore when someone calls me "sir" or "mister". I know what I look like, I can see it everytime I pass a mirror, and trying to live my life as female is incredibly frustrating and somewhat depressing. I'm way too tall, I hate my hair, I have trouble finding clothes that fit and my features, despite a lot of plastic surgery, don't look anymore feminine than they did when I started. No one ever, and I mean ever, mistakes me for female. It just never happens and eventually it just gets you down.
During all of this, the internet has been both a blessing and a curse. I've met some very wonderful people and have been inspired and motivated by girls who were way braver than me. At the same time, I can't help but notice that many of them have been so much more successful than me. They look better, have better fashion sense and move about the world with the ease of genetic females. Increasingly, I try to avoid any blogs that have to deal with any gender issues. It's one reason my own blog has migrated more and more from a tale of transition to just a collection of writings about things that interest me.
I really do hate this life. More than anything, I really do wish that I could have taken a pill to make it all go away, a la the Matrix. This life is a curse and one that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I certainly never asked for it and lord knows, I fought it every step of the way. Alas, it got the best of me and I made a decision, one that I'm not always sure was the right thing to do. Anyways, I've already gone down that path and at this stage of the journey, I'm not sure that I can change directions.