The View From Here

I'm having a pretty bad day, one of those where I just have no desire to even get out of bed, much less walk out the door. These seem to happen more often than not, especially on the weekends when I have nothing to do. I just feel like the world is caving in around me. My bills seem to suck more and more of my money out of me, my house is a disaster zone and the weather simply sucks. It's one of those dark and dreary days that are so common around these parts. I don't mind these kind of days in the early part of winter, but come late February you just want it to stop. Spring is still four weeks away but the way this winter is going, it's probably more like six or seven weeks.

Anyways, I have absolutely nothing to do this weekend and when that happens, I just retreat into my own little world, keeping the blinds drawn and myself in bed. If it weren't for the dogs, I probably would not get out of bed at all. Life isn't supposed to be this way. It's supposed to be fun and full of joy. My life is anything but. There are more days than not in which I just wish that it would all come to a merciful end. Of course it never does and I somehow find a way to keep on going. I don't know how much of this has to do with transition and how much is just a sorry and pathetic life, but it certainly doesn't help. Everytime I pass a mirror, I just want to ram my fist into it and smash it to pieces, so repulsed am I by what I see.

I just want some peace in my life and I don't know how to get that. I've tried everything I can think of and yet the tears just keep on coming. I want the pain to stop, the loneliness to end and the sadness to go away. But it never does. It's my constant companion.