Feeling Rather Sad Tonight

I woke up this morning in a rather sad mood and it's just gotten worse as the day went on. I have so much on my mind and I guess it's bound to get you down eventually. As of late, I've been feeling as if the world is just caving in on me and no matter how hard I push back, it keeps collapsing down on me. Things seem to just be falling apart everywhere I look and no matter how optimistic I try to be, something always happens to bring me back down. Being in a near constant state of sadness is not a pleasant way to go through life and more and more, the sadness borders on all out depression. Increasingly, each day is only about survival and nothing else.

My therapist and I talked about this earlier this week but so far, everything we've tried has failed. I'm not suicidal or anything, though that is more to the fact that I couldn't do that to my Mom and the thought of no one wanting to take my babies makes me sick to my stomach. So I plow on and hope that somehow the next day will be somewhat better than the present one. It usually isn't, but there is always hope, isn't there?

Looking back, I just wish I could have found a way to keep on going as Greg. Deciding to do something about my inner feelings was the biggest mistake of my life, but it's something I did to myself and so there just isn't anyone to blame but me, something that I do on a daily basis. I look in the mirror and I hate the person I am. I want to slam my fist into those mirrors and pretend that I don't exist. Increasingly, I tend to keep to myself and do my best to just simply disappear, become just another face in the crowd, someone that you never do notice.

I so wanted things to turn out differently, to make this transition work and yet it's been nothing short of a total disaster. It could not have gone any worse and if one more thing goes wrong, I'm just going to scream and ask God to just mercifully end it. I so badly want inner peace and yet my soul is as tormented and sad as one can possibly get. Into the abyss I clearly find myself falling and increasingly I see no way out, no way out.