I Write More Letters

Hi Chris,

I know you guys are probably sick of me but I just feel that I need to figure out a way to reach some level of satisfaction. Next week will be 11 months post-op for me and as the one year anniversary quickly approaches, I still can't help but feel so disappointed and so discouraged over how things have turned out. I honestly believe that based upon my initial consultation with Dr. Zuckowski and conversations with prior patients, that I had realistic expectations and yet I can only come to the conclusion that the results of my surgery last summer have been far from satisfactory. The physical complications continue to be a real problem. I cannot stress enough how much discomfort I still find myself in. I can't make a full smile anymore, my face feels like it's been stretched to the point of tearing and I continue to have pain with regards to the cheek implants. I've done everything expected of me since the surgery and based upon conversations with others, what I am experiencing is not normal.

As far as the outcome of my surgery with regards to appearance, well, it just keeps nagging at me that after spending nearly $30,000 I have so very little to show for it. I have spent a small fortune on image consultants, hair stylist, makeovers and clothing and yet I still look male in the face. I've discussed this with friends, family, my therapist and my endocrinologist and when pressed for an honest response, all have said that they just don't see much difference. I know that FFS is not a cure all for "passing" but Dr. Z makes a point of how good his results are with regards to giving patients a more feminine appearance. That clearly did not happen in my case, not even close. Again, I'm not trying to be a pain, but it bears repeating that my experience with regards to my surgery has been an utter disappointment and without a doubt, the biggest regret of my life.

I guess what I'm looking for is an answer as to why things have turned out so poorly. I can't help but feel cheated based upon what Dr. Z told me before my surgery. I also want a solution to the physical problems that have dogged me these past 11 months. I hope this isn't asking too much. I look forward to hearing from Dr. Z and I hope that he can address my concerns.

Best,
Kelly

Who Am I Kidding?

It's turning into one of those weeks where I begin to have serious doubts about myself. As I've been doing research with regards to SRS, I've come across a lot of blogs that feature girls who have also had facial feminization surgery. Without fail, all of them have had far better results than I had. It's depressing and it makes me so angry. I always considered that surgery the most important one and I still feel the same way, but now, nearly a year later, I still find myself wondering what in the hell happened to me. Why did it turn out to be such a fucking disaster? Why were the results of my surgery so much worse than nearly all of his other patients? I know it's self-pity and I hate feeling this way, but I had such high hopes and to see them totally dashed just hurts like you cannot believe.

More later as right now I'm just too upset.

Smoking In Front of the Building

It never seems fair to me, but it appears to be a fact of life, people who smoke get more breaks than those who don't.

Derby Week

The big race is this Saturday and the Derby Festival is in full swing. Not much gets done around these parts this time of the year. Yesterday was the Great Balloon Race, Mini-Marathon and Full Marathon and today featured several smaller events. Still ahead: The Run for the Rose, Derby Festival Hole in One Contest, Great Steamboat Race, the Pegasus Parade and Kentucky Oaks. It's usually a fun week and I always look forward to it. Party On!

Mixed Emotions and Does That Make Me Less Authentic?

On the one hand, I'm pretty sure that once I have my surgery, I'll want to somehow have a boyfriend but I still can't shake the feeling that women sometimes totally do it for me. I'm still totally smitten with Melissa, this woman that I work with, and last night I had really strange dreams about her. They weren't bad or anything like that, not even R-rated, but even after waking up several times, she kept popping back into my mind. There's no chance of anything happening and yet everytime I see her, my heart skips a beat and I get all hot inside. Everything about her seems to be wonderful and I know that she and I are and will be friends, but dammit, I would give just about anything to have just a small chance at going out with her, she's that awesome. My question then becomes, does this make me sense of being female less authentic?

Becoming Whole and How in the Hell am I Going to Pay for it?

I've started to really research the different SRS surgeons and it kind of has me in a funk. It's not cheap and I'm pretty sure that having it done in this country is pretty much an impossibility. That leaves Thailand of course and in some ways, it's pretty doable. I know several girls who have flown across the Pacific to have the surgery and all were very pleased with the results and the outstanding care they received. It's not the great bargain it used to be but compared to what's available here, it's still pretty cheap. Right now, I have about $2400 saved up but things are going to be pretty tight going forward. I'm pretty sure that by next summer it might be possible to come up with the funds for surgery and hospital expenses, but then what do I do about hotel and living expenses while I'm over there for a month?

Further complicating matters is the worry that by next summer, air travel will have become so expensive that only the rich can afford to fly. I fully expect oil to be selling for upwards of $200 a barrel next year, making air travel something that people in my financial bracket simply won't be able to afford. Add it all up and it sometimes seems just overwhelming and simply undoable. I'm not ready to give up just yet, far from it, but I recognize that it won't be easy and that each year I have to wait, makes it that much more expensive.

There was a time when I wasn't sure that I actually ever needed to have this surgery, I thought that maybe just living as a girl would be enough, but the further I go, the more it becomes clear that I NEED to have this surgery. As I've talked with the girls that have had it done, all of them, without fail, say it was the best thing they ever did. Having plumbing and electricity that works would mean the world to me and I dream about the day it becomes a reality. As a small kid, I use to climb up into trees and rub myself against the branches hoping that it would cause my penis to fall off. When taking a bath, I would always cover it up with a wash cloth so that I wouldn't be forced to stare at. In short, I never wanted it and that hasn't changed with time.

Number One

As my transition continues and now moves into the final stage, I've started to reflect on things that I'll miss about being a guy. I don't really want to get into all of that right now, there is time for that later, but I'm pretty confident that once all is said and done, what I'll miss the most is peeing standing up. It's one of those fundamental differences between men and women and it's one that men have the advantage in. It's especially useful when using a public restroom, or God forbid, a port o potty, but it's also just easier. Now nothing is stopping me from still doing it the old fashioned way, I still do at home from time to time, but it's a pretty dead giveaway in the ladies room. I'll have to come up with a list in the next few days, one focusing on what I already miss and one focusing on what I might miss once the transition is complete. I do want to reiterate however that I will not miss said penis.

Living

With the job now secure, there is nothing holding me back from finishing this transition. It's been over two weeks since I did anything but Kelly and I'm loving every single minute of it. Being able to finally let it all go and totally immerse myself in this brave new world is perhaps the most rewarding thing I've ever experienced. It's better than I ever could have imagined and while I still have a lot to learn, I'm getting there and each day is easier than the one before. I've now set my sights on my next goal and that's somehow coming up with the money tto pay for sex reassingment surgery. Having a penis is incredibly disconcerting and just knowing that it is there is enough to make me ill. It needs to go and soon.

Second on my list of things to do is get a boyfriend. You see, I might not like having the male genitalia, but that doesn't mean I'm not totally intrigued by those who do. Penis on me is bad, penis on a boyfriend, good! Does that make me a bad girl?

Danica WIns

The girl just won her first race in the Indy Racing League, beating Helio Castroneves to the checkered flag at Twin Ring Motegi in Japan. She becomes the first woman to win a major series race and it does wonders for the series publicity. Way to go Danica, way to go. There are a lot of women (and men) out there who have been rooting for you and we are so proud. Can't wait to see you at Indy for the 500.

33 Questions About Sex

Why not?

1. HAVE YOU GOTTEN LAID IN 2008?
Sadly no.

2. EVER HAD SEX IN A PUBLIC PLACE?
Not sex technically, but messing around in a big way.

3. EVER LAUGH DURING SEX?
Of course, all you have to do is see yourself in a mirror having sex. It's usually funny or scary looking.

4. EVER CRY DURING SEX?
Nope.

5. DO YOU LIKE TO CUDDLE AFTER SEX?
I'm lucky if I can stay awake for 10 minutes afterwards.

6. EVER REGRET SEX WITH SOMEONE?
Seriously?

7. EVER FAKED AN ORGASM?
Should I?

8. DIRTY TALK, OR SHUT THE FUCK UP?
I've got quite the potty mouth when need be.

9. EVER HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX?
Afraid so and more times than I care to admit.

10. EVER MASTURBATE TO YOUR FRIEND'S SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
That would just be too creepy, though thoughts of friends have entered the mind many, many times.

11. EVER HAVE A ONE NIGHT STAND?
Yes, one week before she got married. Guess she needed to get it out of her system and I was happy to oblige as it was pretty dirty sex.

12. EVER HAVE A THREESOME?
No, but it's on my list of things to do. The only concern would be with who. Do you go with two other girls, two guys or a girl and a guy? Of course, I wouldn't complain about any of them.

13. EVER WATCH PORN DURING SEX?
Absolutely.

14. EVER THOUGHT OF SOMEONE ELSE DURING SEX?
I'm ashamed to say it, but yes I have.

15. HAS THE CONDOM EVER BROKE(N)?
No.

16. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING SEXUAL EXPERIENCE?
Called the significant other by the wrong name once. Never a good thing, never.

17. HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU LOST YOUR VIRGINITY?
Too old, that's all I'm saying.

18. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH RIGHT NOW?
I can think of several people but Melissa comes to mind most.

19. DO YOU THINK THAT NUMBER 18 IS POSSIBLE?
Never say never.

20. ARE YOU HORNY NOW?
Not really.

21. DO YOU KISS DURING SEX?
I love kissing.

22. DO YOU LIKE SEX IN THE CAR?
Very uncomfortable.

23. DO YOU STILL TALK TO THE PERSON YOU LOST VIRGINITY TO?
Nope, haven't seen her in a long, long time.

24. EVER HAVE SEX WITH A RELATIVE/FRIENDS SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
Ah, no!

25. EVER BEEN WITH A CHEATER?
Yes, but I've never been the cheater.

26. TOYS, GOOD OR BAD?
She who dies with the most toys wins.

27. LINGERIE?
I don't know about that though I would love to dress up as Catholic school girl seeing as how most guys kinda dig that.

28. EVER SLEEP WITH A CO-WORKER?
Six of them.

29. PUT AN "X" WHERE YOU HAVE HAD SEX:

[ ] park
[ ] church parking lot
[ ] cemetery
[X] school
[X ] parent’s bed
[X] your bed
[X] car
[ ] picnic table
[X] kitchen counter
[X] couch/chair
[ ] dining room/kitchen table
[ ] woods
[ ] hood of a car
[X] bathroom
[X] shower
[X] the other person’s bed
[ ] porch/deck/balcony
[X] garage, basement
[ ] in the street/ally
[X] in a house with parents home
[X] at a party
[ ] on top of the washer/dryer
[ ] with other people in the room
[X] hotel
[ ] concert
[ ] grandparent’s house
[ ] field
[ ] bleachers
[ ] beach
[ ] city bus
[ ] Pool Table
[ ] movie theater
[ ] tractor
[ ] truck
[ ] hay barn
[ ] cow pasture
[ ] in the mud
[ ] boat
[ ] on a massage table

30. Ever have sex with someone of the same sex?
As a guy, I never even thought about having sex with a guy. Once I began transition I began to wonder where all the hot guys came from. I'm still primarily attracted to women but I'd love to have sex with a guy, but only once I get southern surery.

31. Ever give oral sex? Get oral sex?
It's my favorite thing to do in the whole world. I think doing it for a guy would be pretty amazing as well. As for getting it, many times for that too.

32. Ever do the backdoor?
Not technically, but lots of play around there.

33. Who was the best?
Her name was Debbie and she rocked my world. I still have scars on my back from the all the scratches. She once told me, no kidding, that "in public I'm a total lady but in the bedroom I'm a whore." That was all I needed to know.

The Real Reason We Had An Earthquake

Some might blame the earthquake on a series of faults that crisscross the midwest and perhaps it really is the cause, but I have it on good authority that the real cause of the quake was my girl River falling out of bed. We don't call her "Plump and Juicy" for nothing. Regardless, she was the only one of the three who paid any attention. Sammy and Shadow sleep in my bed but she prefers her own dog bed in the living room. She came running in as fast as her little stick legs could carry her fat bod. Still, I can't quite figure out why Shadow and Sammy didn't freak out as my bed just rocked back and forth and it sounded like a freight train folling through the house. So, here's the girl that caused this...

5.4 Quake

It struck a few minutes after 5:30 this morning and registered 5.4 on the richter scale. I was asleep when it struck but popped up right away as it felt like the whole house was going to collapse. I looked at the dogs laying next to me and said "I think we just had an earthquake." It wasn't till I woke up an hour or so later that I realized that yes, this did indeed happen. It was the largest quake east of the Rockies since 1968. A look around the house shows no damage. I'll have more later but it's off to work for me.



Update 5:16 PM: We had a pretty big aftershock today, 4.6 on the richter scale, but I didn't feel a thing The US Geological Society has downgraded the quake to a 52. For those in California or other quake prone areas, you're probably laughing at us, but this just doesn't happen too often. It'd be like a big F4 tornado hitting LA or San Fran. We get hit be very severe weather all the time and it tends not to bother us but a tornado in California would freak them out like this did us. Anyways, it was pretty cool but I do wish I had been awake when it hit. It woke me up and I could hear objects vibrating on my dresser as the bed rocked back and forth. My dogs, who had been a bit nervous all night, slept right through it. Too weird.

School's In Session

I don't know which school yet, but next year, I'll be back teaching in an elementary school, this time as Kelly. Somehow, I keep coming up smelling like roses. Today's a good day.

Wish Me Luck

I was home sick today, still don't feel well at all, but I'm planning on going to work tomorrow. My meeting's at 2 and I'm pretty nervous about what will happen. Three possible outcomes:

1. Get fired.
2. Move back into a classroom, but only as Greg.
3. Stay Kelly but no classroom this year.

Wish me luck!

By the way ABC, America doesn't give a shit about flag pins, weather underground, Rev. Wright or Bitterness.

Connecting The Dots

Things are happening so fast that it's sometimes difficult to keep up. Everywhere you look, the lights are flashing and alarms are sounding. The only question is whether or not anyone is paying attention. We are entering into unchartered waters and where all this will lead is anyones guess. The only thing that I know for sure is that I'm scared, afraid of what the future holds and wondering if this is indeed, The Great Unraveling?

1. The Airlines Are Dying- It's been clear for a long time that the major air carriers were living on borrowed time, but the past few weeks appear to have been the beginning of the end. The past few weeks have seen a number of small carriers go out of business and just this week, Delta and Northwest agreed to merge, becoming the worlds largest airline. The reason for the merger and the future ones that will come is the rising cost of fuel. It's quite possible that I will never again ride on an airplane.

2. Russia In Decline- For the past decade, Russia has been the one saving grace with regards to global oil production. After years of underproduction during the Soviet regime, Russian oil fields saw surging output and helped move Russia to the top of the list. The past three months have seen declining Russian production and the Vice President for Russian oil major Lukoil says that Russia has peaked. Not good.

3. Retail Bankruptcies- They just keep coming and coming and coming. Right now, it's pretty much the lower spectrum of the retail industry but as prices continue to rise in the fuel and food category, there is less and less money to spend on crap we don't need.

4. Global Food Ritots- Food is becoming more and more expensive (increase in fuel prices for shipping, increase in price of fertilizer due to natural gas shortages and of course, biofuels) and the poorer countries are being outbid for the basics. We are at Peak Food as well.

5. Housing Crisis Continues- US home foreclosures surged 57% during March and it's only going to get worse: ``We're not near the bottom of this at all,'' said Kenneth Rosen, chairman of Rosen Real Estate Securities LLC, a hedge fund in Berkeley, California and chairman of the Fisher Center for Real Estate at the University of California at Berkeley. ``The foreclosure process will accelerate throughout the year.'' Of course, some parts of the country aren't affected by this. My next door neighbor sold her home in 4 days and got more than she asked. The house across the street sold in about a month and got the asking price. Head to the suburbs however and it's a different story.

6. US Government Might Lose It's AAA Credit Rating- Freedie and Fannie have taken over the home mortgage market as their share of new mortgages rose to 82% in January. Read here why this is bad news for our credit rating.

I could go on and on, it's all out there in the open, but after a while, it just gets too depressing. I'm not sure what it's going to take to wake people up but if they don't soon, real life is going to beat them over the head.

Trans Kids

I wish I could have had the same opportunities as Lucia, but things like that just didn't happen in the 1970's. I have no doubt that Mom and Dad would have been supportive, but I was always too afraid to ever say a word to a single solitary soul. I so wanted to let Mom and Dad know that I was hurting inside, I did everything I could think of, short of wearing a dress to the dinner table, to tip them off, but no one ever noticed. Of course, I don't blame anyone, I'm the one who kept my mouth shut all those years, but one can't help but wonder, "what if?"

GIve it a read, it's a good story and these parents are doing a good thing.

Find Out Thursday

I find out Thursday if I still have a job. For two years, they've been saying not to worry, but suddenly they just aren't saying that. I'm nervous and more than a bit scared. Greg was a great teacher and I see no reason why Kelly wouldn't be so as well.

New World Record- Party On

Production numbers for January 2008 are out and we appear to have a new record. Total crude oil production for the month totalled 74,466,000 barrels per day, an increase of 168,000 barrels pers day over the May 2005 record. With each passing month, it appeared more and more likely that May 2005 would end up being the all time record month, but new megaprojects that just came online, including a rather large increase from OPEC members Angloa, Iraq and Saudia Arabia were enough to offset terminal declines elsewhere. So what does this mean? Well, officially it means the clock has been reset, at least on a monthly basis, but in reality it just doesn't make an ounce of difference.

We've been on an undulating plateau for several years now and in hindsight, it's easy to see that there is a lot of movement up and down with several months having come very close to topping the record. That didn't happen until January, though the EIA has a record of significant downward adjustments over time, so it's still possible that May 2005 will still stand as the record. The undulating plateau is just what one would expect when global production peaks. We've been unable to significantly raise production despite ever increasing demand and record prices being paid for oil. The only way we've even come close to meeting demand is through crude subsitutes, including biofuels, coal to gas and other non traditional means. Eventually that too will fail to keep up with demand and at that point, we enter terminal decline with regards to oil.

So what does the future hold? Well, when one digs a little deeper, it begins to look a bit scary. Using year on year production, 2005 is still the all time peak in global crude production and OPEC is down one million barrels per day versus May 2005. Russia is now showing three months of falling production, indicating that they too have peaked. Global decline rates, on a year to year basis, are averaging -0.3% a year, similar to what happened when the lower 48 peaked in 1970. That's all bad news, but what's even more troubling is that the current top five net oil exporters are on track to approach zero exports in just 23 years.

We're still on the plateau but with decling exports from key producers, terminal decline in Alaska and the North Sea, Saudi Arabia unwilling or unable to raise production and the possiblity of China and Russia peaking, well, the downslope is coming quickly and when it hits, watch out, it could be rather steep. Make no mistake, this new record is a good thing, but the increase is so miniscule as to make little difference. Expect February to possibly exceed January with a rather steep decline in March followed by most likely, gradual increases and decreases over the next 12 months. Best of luck.

Porn

I used to joke around that I knew my estrogen was working because I could get a lot more done on the computer. It's true what they say, men think about sex 24/7/365. I still think about sex a lot, but it doesn't occupy every waking thought that enters my brain. My sex drive is a fraction of what it used to bebut that doesn't mean that I wouldn't love to get it on from time to time. I'll be honest, I love sex, the kinkier the better and nothing would rock my world like a night of depraved, do anything sex. But it isn't going to happen, at least as long as I have my current equipment.

Anyways, I was browsing through the liberal blogosphere this evening when I came across an interesting article about feminism and porn, can they coexist? Personally, I don't see why not. We are all sexual beings, most of us anyways, and wathcing other people get off is often a great way to get off ourselves. There are a lot of women who love to watch porn and I say good for them. That's not to say I find all porn a good thing. There are a lot of porn genres that are simply disgusting and clearly degrading to women and men alike. I have zero desire to watch a woman's head be shoved into a toilet, choked around the neck or degraded in any other demeaning manner.

Still, I do like some of the edgier stuff out there and not ashamed to admit it. I'm a huge fan of Tristan Taormino of Pucker UP fame. How can you not like a woman whose motto is Smart-Sexy-Anal-Kinky-Fun? Tristan is an award winning writer, sex educator and Phi Beta Kappa. Her column, Pucker UP appears in the Village Voice and is syndicated nationwide. She's as much a feminist as anyone but she's not shy about getting off and her best know book is The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex. Yummy!

So what makes some porn acceptable and other not? First, women need to have some control over it's making and second, women need to actually be enjoying what is going on. There is a lot of porn that fits that bill and yes, some of it is quite dirty and oh so naughty. This is perhaps the best defenition I've seen:

Feminist porn: Porn which does not portray, promote, or utilize stereotypical gender constructs, expolitative gaze, or highly unnatural, stereotypical appearence standards. Also, the porn would be produced by a company dedicated to equality in all levels of production, promotion, and distribution.

Sex is nothing to be ashamed of and it's time we admit to ourselves that yes, porn can be a good thing. Americans are incredibly repressed when it comes to sex and I'm not sure why. Most people are doing it and doing it frequently. A lot of it must be good, my own personal experience shows me that more than a few women are more than happy to be depraved and slutty in bed, me included.

For an example of porn that is good, check out the site Good For Her.

What's In Your Queue?

I joined Netflix over the weekend and my first movie arrived yesterday. I love movies, such great entertainment, and Netflix seemed to offer the best deal along with the best selection of movies, particularly the movies I like to watch. Anyways, thought I would share my Queue with you:

1. A Crude Awakening: The Oil Crash- Just finished watching this documentary and now I'm ready to slit my wrist. We are so fucked and nearly everyone is totally oblivious to this.

2. The End of Suburbia- Another documentary, this one based on James Howard Kunstler's book of the same name. With Peak Oil upon us, suburbia won't last long. Can't wait to see it as I hate everything about the suburbs.

3. Creature- A documentary about Stacy Dean, a male to female transsexual who came from a broken home. Stacy moved to La La Land and soon began working as a show girl at one of the city's clubs. The film follows her transition over five years, ending right before she became one of the biggest names in transsexual porn. I'm fascinated by her story as her life has been totally different from mine. It's a totally controversial film as some in the trans community find it demeaning.

4. Red Without Blue- This documentary follows identical twins as they come to grips with their homosexuality and the decision of one to become a woman.

5. Into the Wild- The story of Alexander Supertramp, aka Christopher McCandless. Based on the Jon Krakauer's true story.

6. Imagine Me and You- Bride to be falls in love with a guest at her wedding, a woman she does not know.

7. Battlestar Galactica: The Miniseries- I'm late to this incredible series so I'm trying to catch up quick.

8. Battlestar Galactica: Season One- See above.

9. Jesus Camp- A look inside a fundamentalist camp for children. As I like to say, Jesus is cool, but some of his followers give me the creeps.

10. Michael Clayton- George Clooney, enough said.

9.

How Kelly Got Her Groove Back Too

Maybe it was the warm and oh so sunny weather, maybe it was my trip to my therapist, hell, it might have just been the way the stars are lined up, but today was a damn great day. One of the things Marcia (said therapist) and I discussed today was "The Crutch." Last summer, upon my return from surgery in Chicago, I set about getting rid of my "guy clothes", giving most away to friends or charity. It seemed like a good thing to do, it was, but when I was passing out said clothes, many of which were quite nice, I neglected (on purpose) to get rid of everything. I kept my favorite sweatshirts, saved a few tee shirts and kept anything that had any sentimental value.

I figured that the sweatshirts would be good for lounging around the house during winter and the tees would be great for working in the garden or wearing to bed. The sentimental things, well, I just wanted to keep some of the things that meant something to me. But as long as I kept those things, it gave me an out if you will. It allowed me to fall back on something that I didn't need to fall back on. I used those things to venture into what I perceived to be the more difficult social situations. You know what I'm talking about, going to the hardware store, going to a ballgame or countless other settings that scared the hell out of me.

The result of having that "clutch" was of course predictable. I never, not even for a moment, allowed myself to go "all in." As long as I had the out, I was never willing to immerse myself fully into this new life. As a result, I never could get comfortable being me. I only ventured into safe settings, settings such as work, a friends house or situations in which I knew that I would be inside my safety zone. I never learned to just be, not worrying about what other people thought or said. I never gave Kelly a chance and for that I am terribly sorry.

I have no way of really knowing if this will truly make a difference, but I honestly don't see how it will hurt. I hate doing the guy thing and when I do, I just feel so hurt inside, like I'm just not strong enough to live my life the way it is supposed to be lived. I want more than anything in the world for this to be successful. I want more than anything in the world, to be true to myself and live my life the way I need to live it. What else can I do but double down and thow it all in?

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Marcia thought it might help me pass if I were to have bigger breasts. I'd love to consider breast augmentation, but I can't justify that before SRS. Maybe some falsies will work!

How Stella Got Her Groove Back

I've never met her in person, she lives thousands of miles away, but she's still pretty high up on the friend list. It's always nice to hear from friends, especially ones that know what I'm going through. Thanks Stella for being there!

What the...?

It's a warm sunny day and I did what I'm want to do on warm sunny days, put on shorts. It then occurs to me that yes, my legs are pretty damn hairy.

Probably more hair on them now than at anytime in the past four years.

Which of course means that I should probably shave them, but the thing is, I'm not sure I will.

I just might spend the whole week in guy mode, see how it goes, give it a shot. I don't have to work, I have no plans and it's not like it's hard to pull it off.

Hell, I could walk out in a skirt and heels, all madeup and carrying a purse and it wouldn't matter a bit. I'd still get called "sir".

Nothing changes, never has, never will.

UPDATE: Well, that didn't last long. The legs are shaved and it feels so much better. No matter how easy I think it might be to go back to guy world full time, it's not. It makes me sick to my stomach to even think about it yet alone do it. I keep getting back up, though at this point, I'm not sure how or why.

Mr. Obvious

Funny stuff from The Bob and Tom Show, give it a listen:



Some more...



and the best of them all...

10 Months

Today was the 10 month anniversary of my Facial Feminization Surgery. I have no comment on that.

Letting Me In

Today was a pretty special day, one so magnificent that words can't do it justice. It certainly didn't start out that way, but by the time lunch rolled around, something magical happened. I've been on record of saying how unhappy I am about my current employment state but it really has had nothing to do with the people I work with. For the most part, they are really great people and they've been very welcoming. But today, well, today was special as for the first time, I was let into their world. By that I mean I was welcomed into a sorority of such, a sisterhood if you will. I was, at least for this day, one of them and it felt so amazing.

It's been hard for some of them to get used to my new name as some have known me for nearly eight years. They've had a bit of trouble with the pronouns but by and large, they've treated me like I wanted to be treated. Today I got totally immersed into a world that was totally foreign to me. I saw how women interact when men are not around and as far as they were concerned, I was one of them. I was privy to things that wouldn't normally be talked about and I watched it all with both fascination and awe.

Being invited into that world that genetic women inhabit isn't an easy thing to do. For some women, but certainly not all, it's hard for them to let someone like me in. It's not that they don't like you or trust you, it's just that no matter how little you ever felt like a male, the fact is, you were one. Women, like men, like to have their own space, a space that isn't penetrated by members of the opposite gender. For guys, that might mean a poker game (one of the reasons I quit playing with friends) and for women it might mean lunch with friends. It can be anything really, but it is a fact that in certain instances, the two defined genders sometimes need their own world. Today, I got let in to a world that has forever been off limits. I liked it.

Baby Bush

Good God, how much longer do we have to endure this crap? Is it too much to ask that we have a President willing to actually do his job? Then again, maybe having Bush walk out of an important meeting with NATO leaders is a good thing. When he's not there, he can't do anything dangerous. What an asshole!

A Girlfriend

For some reason, the thought of having a girlfriend has been on my mind lately. I've really given very little thought to dating but from time to time, I just have this urge to have someone special in my life. On my previous blog, I mentioned that I'm totally smitten with someone that I work with. I don't get to see her much, she spends a lot of her time out in the schools, but today I got to ride the elevator up with her. The whole ride up, I kept wishing that the elevator would get stuck. I know that sounds silly and very childish, but she just makes me feel so giddy when I'm around her.

She totally rocks my world in so many ways and yet I'm powerless to do anything about it. She's very supportive of me and we both consider each other friends, but I just know that nothing will ever come of it. But, were I still living as Greg, would I have a chance? Well, had I never decided to try and transition I never would have met her, but I still can't help but feel that maybe I might have had a chance were things different.

So who is she? Well, about all your going to get is her name is Melissa, she's divorced, has a daughter and is about 6 years older than me. Totally not what I would typically go for, but she's so damn cute, smart as they come, has a great job and is always in a great mood. I feel like i've missed out on so much these past four years and not having a girlfriend is something that I've sometimes had a hard time with. It gets lonely sometimes and all of us have this need for love and companionship. Being trans doesn't change any of that.

Did I mention that she's just way too cute? Simply adorable.

What's On My Mind

I've been very hesitant of late to write about myself for fear of depressing both myself and my loyal readers. I've spent a lot of the past few weeks trying to sort things out and it's becoming increasingly clear that big changes are on the way. First and foremost, I've been very worried about the status of my employment. While I'm not worried about losing my job, that's safe, I do fear that I won't be allowed to return to the classroom anytime soon. I had hoped to have this all resolved before my Spring Break next week, but it doesn't look like it's going to happen. It's nearly testing time for schools and pretty much everything happening right now is geared towards getting the schools ready to administer the test that Dubya has mandated.

Still, it's clear that things just aren't going well for me and I'm having a really hard time dealing with all of this. As it stands right now, the only way I'll be allowed back in a classroom next year, is to do it as Greg. Despite four years of hormone therapy, 200 plus hours of electrolysis and a $30,000 facial feminization surgery, I no more look like a girl than I did five years ago. Were I employed in the private sector, it wouldn't be an issue, but this isn't the private sector and seeing as how I'm an elementary school teacher, well, that changes things for most people.

If indeed I cannot return to the classroom as Kelly, I will call it quits on the transition and make a full fledged commitment to being Greg. Of course that pretty much means that the transition will come to an end as I will choose my career over personal happiness. I can't survive without my job, a job that I absolutely love, and so that just isn't an option. I can't do another year of what I've been doing and if it means giving up, well, I give up. It really is that simple and so I'm trying to prepare myself for what lies ahead. I'm sick about it all but I just don't see any of this unfolding any other way.

It wasn't supposed to turn out this way, but it has and now I need to accept the consequences. I have given up a whole lot during this whole affair and in the end, I'm not getting a single thing back. It sucks so much and when I think about it all, like right now, I just start to cry and nothing can keep the tears from pouring forth. I would love nothing more than to have just one day where none of this crosses my mind, where I can just be. I've never for a moment gotten to enjoy any part of this journey and these past four years just seem so wasted to me. It would have been nice to end up happy, it would have been nice.

Wal-Mart Sucks Ass

I hate Wal-Mart with a passion, more than any other corporation in America or the world. Just the thought of having to walk into one is enough to make me ill and thus I avoid them at all cost. Words cannot express how much I loathe Wal-Mart and everything that they stand for, or so I thought. Today, The Rude Pundit takes Wal-Mart to task over the case of the brain damaged employee:

"If you've ever been in a Wal-Mart, you have felt a sense of despair wash over you that must at least approximate the emotions felt by a resident of Berlin in the first couple of years after the Second World War."

To me it kind of seems like Dresden during the firebombing, but I digress...

"It is the strip mall taken to its logical conclusion: a giant mobile home/barn filled with tons of shit that most of us would not even conceive of needing amid more tons of shit that people do need so that desire, want, and basic human need are conflated into an orgy of acquisition that makes even the lowest paid bastard feel like he's got that middle class glow of material good satiation."

Of course no one needs all of that shit...

"And walking through the store is a nightmare out of Brueghel, with its often grimy floors, its shelves stocked for three or four feet over your head, its aisles full of slowly creeping carts pushed by lower middle class or poor people tallying in their heads how much they can afford, if they can buy more scrapbooking supplies, if they can resist the displays of popcorn machines that look like carnival wagons, as their kids, learning that facing the horror of one's own stymied caste position and the inevitability of disease and death, whine for more plastic shit, the spackle of the cracked soul."

Well said and I urge you to read the rest of the post. Please, do not shop at Wal-Mart, do not walk into a Wal-Mart, do not even think about Wal-Mart.