Maybe it was the warm and oh so sunny weather, maybe it was my trip to my therapist, hell, it might have just been the way the stars are lined up, but today was a damn great day. One of the things Marcia (said therapist) and I discussed today was "The Crutch." Last summer, upon my return from surgery in Chicago, I set about getting rid of my "guy clothes", giving most away to friends or charity. It seemed like a good thing to do, it was, but when I was passing out said clothes, many of which were quite nice, I neglected (on purpose) to get rid of everything. I kept my favorite sweatshirts, saved a few tee shirts and kept anything that had any sentimental value.
I figured that the sweatshirts would be good for lounging around the house during winter and the tees would be great for working in the garden or wearing to bed. The sentimental things, well, I just wanted to keep some of the things that meant something to me. But as long as I kept those things, it gave me an out if you will. It allowed me to fall back on something that I didn't need to fall back on. I used those things to venture into what I perceived to be the more difficult social situations. You know what I'm talking about, going to the hardware store, going to a ballgame or countless other settings that scared the hell out of me.
The result of having that "clutch" was of course predictable. I never, not even for a moment, allowed myself to go "all in." As long as I had the out, I was never willing to immerse myself fully into this new life. As a result, I never could get comfortable being me. I only ventured into safe settings, settings such as work, a friends house or situations in which I knew that I would be inside my safety zone. I never learned to just be, not worrying about what other people thought or said. I never gave Kelly a chance and for that I am terribly sorry.
I have no way of really knowing if this will truly make a difference, but I honestly don't see how it will hurt. I hate doing the guy thing and when I do, I just feel so hurt inside, like I'm just not strong enough to live my life the way it is supposed to be lived. I want more than anything in the world for this to be successful. I want more than anything in the world, to be true to myself and live my life the way I need to live it. What else can I do but double down and thow it all in?
Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Marcia thought it might help me pass if I were to have bigger breasts. I'd love to consider breast augmentation, but I can't justify that before SRS. Maybe some falsies will work!