What's On My Mind

I've been very hesitant of late to write about myself for fear of depressing both myself and my loyal readers. I've spent a lot of the past few weeks trying to sort things out and it's becoming increasingly clear that big changes are on the way. First and foremost, I've been very worried about the status of my employment. While I'm not worried about losing my job, that's safe, I do fear that I won't be allowed to return to the classroom anytime soon. I had hoped to have this all resolved before my Spring Break next week, but it doesn't look like it's going to happen. It's nearly testing time for schools and pretty much everything happening right now is geared towards getting the schools ready to administer the test that Dubya has mandated.

Still, it's clear that things just aren't going well for me and I'm having a really hard time dealing with all of this. As it stands right now, the only way I'll be allowed back in a classroom next year, is to do it as Greg. Despite four years of hormone therapy, 200 plus hours of electrolysis and a $30,000 facial feminization surgery, I no more look like a girl than I did five years ago. Were I employed in the private sector, it wouldn't be an issue, but this isn't the private sector and seeing as how I'm an elementary school teacher, well, that changes things for most people.

If indeed I cannot return to the classroom as Kelly, I will call it quits on the transition and make a full fledged commitment to being Greg. Of course that pretty much means that the transition will come to an end as I will choose my career over personal happiness. I can't survive without my job, a job that I absolutely love, and so that just isn't an option. I can't do another year of what I've been doing and if it means giving up, well, I give up. It really is that simple and so I'm trying to prepare myself for what lies ahead. I'm sick about it all but I just don't see any of this unfolding any other way.

It wasn't supposed to turn out this way, but it has and now I need to accept the consequences. I have given up a whole lot during this whole affair and in the end, I'm not getting a single thing back. It sucks so much and when I think about it all, like right now, I just start to cry and nothing can keep the tears from pouring forth. I would love nothing more than to have just one day where none of this crosses my mind, where I can just be. I've never for a moment gotten to enjoy any part of this journey and these past four years just seem so wasted to me. It would have been nice to end up happy, it would have been nice.